I'm a Landscaper DAMMIT!

My life.

Part of my highly prestigious position at work is the honorable and highly respected responsibility of cleaning the FUCKING PARKING GARAGES in dozens of hospital buildings.

Kill me now.

I am a damn landcaper. Someone didn't get the memo. But, bills keep coming...and well, money is the ONLY acceptable way of paying them. This is unfortunate. I would like to return to the barter system. "I will trade you one slightly used rocking chair for the crappy satellite service that YOU provide....whenever there isn't a cloud overhead, that is." (btw, I tried that, it didn't work.)

Where was I? Oh yes..parking garages.

I have a question for anyone reading this.

Have YOU ever had to shit so bad that you felt the need to shit down the wall in a public parking garage? I only ask this because I find this at least once a week. Then there is the mystery of WHY they think that Kleenex will IN ANY WAY HELP this situation.

I have news for you, it does not. You are just making a paper mache shit ball for ME to clean up.

Next on the list are the people who like to have sex in the garage. Yeah, I know, it is dark in the corners...there aren't any cameras there...and you don't want your wife to find out. SO, I have a suggestion for you.....STOP LEAVING THE USED CONDOM AND UNDERWEAR BEHIND! I swear, I will pay for the damn testing myself....and i will find you. Now, I am happy thet you are practicing safe sex, and all. Lord knows we don't need another mistress knocking on the front door, you can only buy your high maintenance wife so many facelifts before she gets pissed about "the other women". I am just trying to help you out here Dr. *insert name here*.

You like Mcdonalds? I used to.

Then I found this.

A rat.... dead in a Mcdonalds bag. THAT can't be a good sign. I am just sayin....

and while I am on that subject...why the hell do you people leave your half eaten lunches in the freakin garages???? How about this...why don't you walk your fat ass to the trash can that is 10 feet away, and try to burn off some of the artery clogging sludge that you just ingested..that BTW KILLED A RAT!

geesh.

diapers, tampons, and sanitary pads are NOT decorative! Let me repeat that....NOT DECORATIVE! What the hell is wrong with you? WHO changes a tampon in a parking garage???? Not only do you change it there, but then you find the need to throw it on the ground like a candy wrapper. Now, I understand that litter is litter....but holy hell...A TAMPON???? Yeah, your baby's diaper smells awful.....um....well, I gotta tell you....it is not exactly an air freshener after it has sat in a 100 degree parking garage over the weekend.

ok...this one bewildered me this week.

an entire gallon of spoiled milk.

WHO has THAT riding around in their car???? Please tell me why you have it...and why you felt that the garage was a good place to "drop it off". I only ask this because FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot think like a person who totes around a gallon of milk and then it suddenly occurs to them that MAYBE THAT is the smell eminating from their backseat. Are you retarded???? Don't answer that, because if you are, I will feel bad for calling you retarded...on second thought...no, I won't. You are an asshole...not just retarded.

ok now listen closely...

urine samples are to be left with the nurse in the hospital.

NOT IN A SPRITE BOTTLE OR A 40oz BEER BOTTLE IN THE DAMN GARAGE!!!!

Ok, so your nurse was pretty. Good for you. Does that mean that you have to jerk off all over the handle in the stairwell??? Here is a little known fact for y'all. Goo Gone is the ONLY thing that will take hardened semen off of a painted railing.

just in case you wanted to know.

ok.....so now that you have read all of that....FOCUS!

Someone has to clean up your disgusting messes. No matter where you think it will be "hidden". No matter what you think is just "providing us job security". No matter what you think is just your right or entitlement to be a douche bag....there is someone who hates you cleaning up after your disgusting ass.

Now, did I mention that I get paid more than the average nurse? I also make more than many of the "medical professionals" that leave these messes behind.

So, the next time you look down your nose and chuckle when you do something like that..remember this...I hope pigeon craps on the end of your upturned nose..and I most likely make more money than you.

HA!

did I mention that I am a landscaper? Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. WTF??? and HOW did I end up with THIS mess?

welcome to the blue collar world, folks. We make life civilized for the uncivilized. Enjoy those beautiful flowers and trees...they were planted and nurtured by the same person that is sweeping up your used rubbers.

holy crap.