Remember

It is Sept 11th once again. With each passing year, the memories of that day fade in detail, but the emotion lingers. I have to really try to recollect the actual events of that day, as mostly what I can recall is emotion.

I was married, at the time, and the mother of three small boys. I awakened that morning to my usual routine. I made myself some coffee, fed the boys and turned on the morning news. I had barely settled in to watch it when suddenly the broadcast changed. What I saw stunned me. For a moment, I felt as though I was watching a movie steeped in special effects. I felt completely detatched from what I was seeing and hearing as I watched the first tower burn.

I dialed the phone to speak with my husband, who worked downtown. I was, at first, calling him to ask if what I was seeing was real, or some kind of awful hoax. While the phone was ringing, I watched a second plane come on screen and explode into the second tower.

My heart seemed to stop, and I lost my breath. The reality hit me like a bullet. The sound of the ringing tones in my ear seemed to get longer and the pause between them, an eternity. My husband finally answered, and I didn't know what to say except, "did you see it?" He said, "no, see what?" A cold shudder ran down my back, as I heard the media telling us that this was an attack, and not an accident. I begged my husband to come home immediately, and informed him of what had happened. He said that he would call me back after he found out what was going on, and what the procedure was for him at work.

I was in tears, at this point. The media was now reporting the attacks on the pentagon. They had also informed us that Bush was in Florida, and that they suspected that a plane may be headed there, or for Washington DC.

I have no family from my past, with the exception of one small group of people. My best friend from highschool's family had become like my own. They had taken me in when I was about to be lost and self destructive. They are my family. She lives in NY. Her sister lives in Florida, and her father was working in Sommerset county, being as her parents and myself live in the Pgh area. My heart sank at the realization that they were all in danger.

As I type this, the tears well up in my eyes, and I feel that ache all over again. They are safe, and still some of the most important people in my life..but how close I came to losing them.

It took hours to hear from them, as her mother and I waited anxiously, and frozen with fear and helplessness.

I saw people jumping from the burning buildings, and could hear the tension and confusion in the otherwise calm and robotic voices of the newscasters. I paced in my front yard staring down at the telephone in my hand as if it carried the rest of my life in that next ring.

My sons did not realize what was happening, and I didn't know what to tell them.

I didn't lose anyone close to me that day. I am thankful for that, and always will be. Life is sometimes a cruel and vindictive monster.

In the weeks and months that followed September 11th, I saw a change in people. They were more kind, and patient. There wasn't any of the usual heavy sighs, attitudes and selfishness in the lines at the stores. People smiled as if they knew your pain, and understood that we are all vulnerable. People rallied together to form an emotional barricade and a fortress of strength in the face of utter despair and anger. Our brave men and women toiled relentlessly looking for the fallen victims in those towers, and not just "Americans". They searched for hours, and then days, and then weeks hoping to find just ONE MORE alive. Soon, the search became one simply to provide closure for the families who would never again see their loved ones.

We joined our hearts and mind with our President. His party affiliation did not matter. His race did not matter. His gender did not matter. We looked to him for strength and promised him ours.

The events that followed that year have become something of a mystery to me.

How did we forget?

How did we forget the strength that we once showed? How have we allowed bitterness and fear to cloud our hearts and minds and lead us to the place that we are today?

Two beams of light now shine where two great towers, full of the final breaths of our brothers and sisters from home and around the world, once stood.

When will we remember that light and let it back into our hearts and minds? When will we regain our strength and show the world that we truly can rise above and overcome destruction?

When sadness turns to bitterness, and anger turns to apathy, have we survived?

Sadness must turn to resolve, and anger must turn to strength of unity.

Where did we go wrong?

We allowed ourselves to become weak, afraid and desperate. We lost sight of the meaning of what happened, and the reasons for why. We have now become bitter and divided. Those who we once turned to for unity have torn us apart. We, however, must blame ourselves. NO ONE can lead you from fear. NO ONE can teach you to feel and to remember. When we rely on others to do our thinking for us, only the powerful and the opportunistic will rise from those ashes.

We are a great nation. It is time to show it, and finally....to heal.