American Heroes

Here is Mark McGwire’s chance. For the last four years, he has hidden inside his gated community in Southern California while his reputation and legacy withered among a public that branded him a coward who never followed through on a promise he made under oath before Congress.

One of the lasting images of Mark McGwire is his evasive performance before Congress in 2005.
Now, redemption calls. The St. Louis Cardinals hired McGwire on Monday as their new hitting coach, exposing him to vouching for the very words on which he turned his back. On March 19, 2005, in between informing a roomful of elected officials probing baseball’s steroid problem that “I’m not here to talk about the past,” McGwire found himself engaged in a particularly telling exchange with Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.).
Cummings: “You’re willing to be a national spokesman?”
McGwire: “I’d be a great one.”
Cummings: “So, that means you would do it?”
McGwire: “Be a spokesperson?”
Cummings: “Yes.”
McGwire: “Absolutely.”
If, by absolutely, McGwire meant he’d completely ignore the steroid issue short of a few token donations from his foundation, well, then he’s been a paragon of spokesmandom.

Embrace and own his errors. Speak with candor. Convince a public that he turned his back on four years ago.
Be a hero. The real kind this time.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-mcgwire102509&prov=yhoo&type=lgns


Oh, the moral and ethical dilemmas that the almighty U. S of A face. Are there not more important things in this country than whether or not an overpaid "professional athlete" takes a "performance enhancing drug"? I love that term, "performance enhancing drug". I bet their wives would disagree. When I read things like this, and the pseudo disgust for athletes who don't accomplish their fame "naturally", I shake my head in wonder. I hear all kinds of trumped up outrage over some kind of "betrayal" at the hands of men like Mark McGuire. I was an athlete, a long time ago. The human body has limitations. Athletes push their bodies and minds beyond what is possible. That is how they become the "best", at least until someone else pushes further.

The question that we all need to ask ourselves is, why do they push so hard, and so far? The answers are actually pretty simple. The first is fame. The second is money, and the third is personal achievement. What are they achieving? They have the ability to say, "I am the best", or "my team is the best". They have thousands of people adoring them. They make millions of dollars, and live lavish lifestyles. It was YOUR demand to see the bigger and better athlete, it was YOUR willingness to pay hundreds of dollars for their jersey, it was YOUR need to be a part of a group that can claim "bragging" rights for your city that created these monsters. YOU are the ones who tell your children that they need to destroy their young, developing bodies for fame and fortune. YOU are the ones who feel the need to live vicariously through your children and communities. Yet, you are then the ones who express outrage at the idea that they have taken a drug that enhances their abilities. Why? That answer is also a simple one. Those drugs are harmful, and the people who opt NOT to take them are at an unfair disadvantage. Right? Oh come on now, you don't care about an unfair advantage when you are demanding more and more from your children and athletes, unless it is YOUR child, or team who can't make the cut.

Why do we place so much emphasis on the ability to defeat another at a game? This is what all of this boils down to. You aren't racing to help mankind, or expand your knowledge. You are racing to win a game. Baseball is a game. Football is a game. Hockey is a game. Why are these men held to a standard of being a "hero"? Simply, because they were willing to push what was a natural ability to the breaking point and beyond? Many professional athletes donate time and money to their communities. That's great. Where did that money come from? The community who PAID to see them perform! Do you really think that they TRULY give more of a shit about the community than their tax breaks? You are truly naive if you think that a person whose natural drive to defeat another also has the spirit of a true humanitarian.

So now, Mark Mcguire has all but been shunned from public view. He has been cast out like a leper, and why? Because you are pissed off that you made a professional "game player" a hero to your sons and daughters. You trusted a man that you don't even know to be a role model for your children. HA! The joke is on you, and he has made you look like the fool that you are. I say, good for him! He took your money, your adoration, your trust and your status as "hero" and laughed all the way to the bank. The true American spirit shines through. Did you learn anything from his "betrayal"? Nope. You just trusted someone else, because you are an idiot.

I say, let them take steroids. Let them pump whatever they want into their bodies. Hell, give them to your kids! Why stop at dragging a crying child to the fifth practice that week? Hey, if you want to be the best, you have to be willing to do what it takes, right? If you want to be a hero, you have make sacrifices, people. I mean, heroes do that. Think about our war heroes. We have Vietnam, Gulf War, and who knows what will come from "operation Bush lie". They are suffering chemical effects, yet they aren't living a lavish lifestyle and followed by thousands of adoring fans. I figure that if you are to obtain the status of "hero", you should be as fucked up as the REAL heroes that we ignore everyday!

That sounds kind of extreme, doesn't it? Well, it isn't. It is about perspective and priorities. If you have made a hero out of someone who plays a game for a living, then you are a poor excuse for a parent and human being. Don't pretend to be so damn offended when you get caught up in your own stupidity. I guarantee that 75% of the names on your adored jerseys have taken some form of "enhancement drug" at one time or another. You just don't care because they haven't been caught. You will be happy as long as you have your precious titles and trophies. So, why not revel in your pathetic greed? Let them eat roids all day long! Just think of the extra entertainment value that you will get from a roid raging fight on the field! Now THAT is worth $600 a ticket. If you are going to worship gladiators, then put a damn lion in the ring, only the lion is simply a metaphor for steroids.

PS, Make sure you read the warning label on your child's ADD or ADHD or whatever three letter disorder medication you give them. You want to make sure it won't interfere with the steroids. Come on, people, to be the best, you have to be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES! YOU are the ones making the demands. Put YOUR child in the arena, and enjoy! Maybe someday, he or she can be a hero too.

Change

On occasion, I have a mellow moment. Ironically enough, the most recent one came while watching Wanda Sykes new stand-up act, "Ima Be Me". Wanda has always caught my attention as an incredibly talented female comedienne. I was listening to her performance, and then I became very aware of what I was witnessing. I was sitting in my middle-class, suburban home watching an African American lesbian perform to a sold out crowd. Her material consisted of her personal life, relationships, politics and aging. She was brilliant.

Her performance prompted me to stop, and think about female comediennes throughout history. I remembered watching The Carol Burnett show, as a kid. I loved her TV spin off, "Mama's Family". Carol Burnett mastered the art of "intelligent slapstick comedy". Joan Rivers shocked the world with her crass and "in your face" style of comedy. People love to hate Joan, and THAT is what has rocketed her to being one of the most reconizable female comediennes of all time. Gilda Radner, and her character "Rosanne Rosanne a dana" sticks in my mind as one of the first memorable performances on Saturday Night Live. Ethyl Merman's performance in "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World" launched some of my favorite "one liners". She was not known for being a comedic performer, but her natural timing was undeniable. Lily Tomlin graced our screens with timeless comedy performances like "Nine to Five", and "All of Me". Rosanne Barr was the trailer park queen of the 1990s. Her ability to mock herself and "tell it how it is", made her one of the most loved and hated women to ever step foot in the comedy arena.

There has been a transition for women comediennes throughout time. Women were typically "just not funny". I find that still, to be quite true, in many cases. The female performers of the past have been forced to stay within certain confines of what was, and was not acceptable for a woman to say. We were allowed to make jokes about marriage, children and female reproductive issues. That was about it. How many different ways can you make a joke about a tampon, not wanting to have sex, and the perils of motherhood, before it just ceases to be funny? I can tell you that it wore pretty thin in the 1980s. This was the decade when women tried to "come out of their shell" a little bit at a time. We began using harsh profanity and shocking speech to get a laugh. The idea that a woman can tell someone to "go fuck themselves" on stage was a foreign concept to many. Comedians like Eddie Murphy, Richard Prior, Sam Kinison and Dennis Leary had a lock on that market. I think back on the comedy of Lucille Ball, and I have to tell you, I do not find her one bit funny or entertaining. I find her style of comedy to be very dated to the time, and an incredibly poor portrayal of the American woman. Her character was based on the expected and stupid antics of a housewife, and based on the perception of what men wanted women to be, and how we were perceived as just stupid, babbling, air-headed women.

So here we are, Wanda Sykes and Lucille Ball. Wow, what a stark contrast in style. Thanks to comediennes like Joan Rivers, Rosanne Barr, Mo Nique, and Ellen Degeneres, here comes the REAL American woman. Wanda is, both as a comedienne and a person, what embodies the true American woman. She stands in the face of racial and sexual orientation hatred, and says "FUCK YOU, I am going to be me!" These women are CRUSHING the barriers that have been in place for decades. Women aren't just "the silly, stupid" wives of the past. We are forces to be reckoned with. We are smart, witty, quick on our feet, and will show men that we can pack a sold out show by saying the very things that scare the hell out of them. Nice job ladies. Like them or hate them, either way, you will tune in either to laugh or shake your head in disgust. No matter what, you will tune in, and that's where those walls come tumbling down.

This is an incredible time that we are lucky enough to be a part of. There will always be barriers to be torn down in our society. As long as people rule the world, it will be riddled with hate, intolerance, and predjudice. However, in my short thirty five years of life, I have seen walls come down at a rate that, from what I can see, is unprecedented. Wanda Sykes symbolizes the rise of racial minorities, women, and homosexuals. Her success is ALL of our success. Attitudes are changing, and people are tired of hearing "it is ok for you to be whatever, as long as i don't have to see it." Well, folks, not only are you seeing it, but you are paying your hard earned money to see it. Now, THAT is change, real change.

The Prototype...

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Those of you who are familiar with language construction of various cultures and ethnicities know that there are, within one language, many times, several dialects. I have discovered that within the Americanized, bastardized version of English, we too, have different dialects. I am going to create a new standard for dialect detection. It is called "listen to an asshole on their cellphone in public." It is stunning, to me, how many people think that they are the only ones within hearing distance of their conversation.

I spend quite a bit of time in and around the general public. My hope for retirement is to move to a deserted island or mountaintop where there are no cellphones or people who can speak. The only acceptable community will be a mute one. The greatest irritant in regard to cellphone use, is when you are in a confined space, with no exit strategy. For example, I was on an elevator yesterday, and an Asian woman entered while talking on her cellphone. By talking, I mean screaming in a language that I could not understand even if I had a lifetime of study to perfect. I was married to a Chinese man for ten years, and the only thing that I retained was how to swear, and count to ten. That being said, I can also tell you that the Chinese language is one that is spoken at a higher volume than many others. It always sounds like they are pissed off, yet they could be wishing someone happy freakin birthday. This woman was no exception. I wanted to take her phone and shove it so far up her ass that she would need Roto Rooter to get it out. Hey lady, the accoustics in an elevator are NOT condusive to screaming. If the person on the other end of the phone was not deaf before you called them, they are now. There were several other people on the elevator who also seemed to be agitated by her conversation, yet you never hear anyone speak up and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP! My guess is that she got a free pass because it was assumed that she would not understand them. Wrong again. SHUT THE FUCK UP, is universal, give it a try once, you will see. Ten bucks say that she speaks English when THAT flies out of your mouth!

When I think of public confined spaces, elevators are the number one social anxiety trap. There is a close second, and that is ANY form of public transportation. I have to ride a small shuttle bus from my place of employment to my parking lot. This ride is, on average, twenty to thirty minutes long. I would like to introduce you to who I have designated to be "the prototype" for EVERYTHING that irritates me about the American social climate. This twenty something woman is the bane of my existance everyday at 3:40pm. I want you to remember one VERY important fact. The ID badge that is clipped to her shirt reads "RN", as in, REGISTERED NURSE! This is the woman who cares for you, and is your lifeline to the doctor that will potentially save your life. Be afraid, be very, very afraid. She enters the shuttle, on her fucking phone. It never fails, she sits right accross from me with her oversized bag/purse/luggage carry-on, whatever the hell it is. I know that you could easily pack enough food to feed a small third world country in it. She always sits in the seat by the window, and places that ugly piece of animal hide on the seat next to her, thus preventing anyone from sitting with her. She then crosses her legs, forcing one knee into the back of the seat in front of her with NO regard for the person sitting there. Her makeup looks like she just walked head on into a wet painting. She holds her oversized phone to her ear and taps her acrylic nails on the case, as if she is sending Morse Code to the other person. The bad news is, they couldn't possibly decipher it over the incessant verbal diarrhea that spews from her bright pink glittery lips. I can't even describe the torture that is felt while she inanely shares every minute of her pathetic existance with the other person. Because of this woman, I have developed an aversion to the word, "like". I know that you are nodding your head in agreement now. We have all heard teenagers abuse the word, but come on you dipshit, you are NOT fifteen anymore. PLEASE develop some form of coherent communication skills, because if I have to hear THIS ONE MORE TIME....

"So, like, I was like so tired last night. Then, like, Travis called and like was like pissed off cuz I didn't answer my phone. Then he like texted me like thirty times like in a row. Then, I like told him that like I can't always, like, answer my phone. I am like, a good friend, but like, I have my limits, like you know? So anyways, like when I like finally talked to him when I was done working, like he said that like he was looking for a job and like that he was thinking about finding a new place to like live. I was like, well, Travis, you like have no money and all that. Then like he had the like nerve to like tell me to like mind my own business! YEAH! I KNOW! So anyways, like when I was done talking to him I like got a text from Abby, and she like told me that like Travis was like pissed at me and all that. I was like, whatever, he is like so immature."

Now, continue that line of thought for another twenty nine minutes, or so. Is this a new dialect within our language that I am unfamiliar with, or is this just more of the same uneducated stupidity that runs rampid in our society? I am going with option "B". I came to that conclusion by putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Combine blatent disregard for other people with over self absorption, and you have a nurse who wears pink sweat pants that say "PINK" on the ass. We know they are pink, asshole. OH, you want us to look at your ass? Ok, then get off of the fucking phone, go to the gym, and tone that thing up a bit. THEN you don't have to draw attention to it with print, moron.

I swear that one day soon, I am going to walk up to her and ask to speak to the person on the other end of that phone. I want to ask them two things, firstly, how the fuck do you listen to this everyday? My guess is that the response will be, "Like, who is this?" Then secondly, I will ask her to PLEASE tell this stupid bitch to shut the hell up! I am assuming that it will not pan out so well for me. I know this because of the "birds of a feather" thing. I couldn't bear THIS as a response...

"Like, I don't know who you like think you are, but Alicia is like my bestest friend in the whole world. We like grew up together and like she is so totally the best friend I like ever had, so like, if you don't like her then, like that ain't my problem. Like, I don't know anyone else who like can wear Crocs and and sweatpants and like STILL look good, you know what I'm sayin? So like who don't you like just mind your own business and like leave her alone."

I would LOVE to mind my own business, bitch! That is the problem here, I CAN'T because my head is all clogged up with cheap designer perfume, and the word "LIKE". Stupid twit.

I used to think that texting was stupid and pointless. I now see the necessity for it. We have regressed to communication via the written word after decades of developing technology that allows verbal, personal communication. Why would we do that? Ask "Like Chick". Better yet, ask the people who suffer through the idiotic rantings of her loosly developed vocabulary. Given the choice between hearing one more story about Travis and hearing the beeping of the text, I GUARANTEE they will choose the beeping. Congratulations, "Like Chick", you have become more annoying than a rythmic pattern of beeping and clicking. You ARE the prototype for everything that is wrong with our society, you moronic, self absorbed, obnoxious, ignorant fool.

Who needs talent, when there are Britney and "T"

I made a serious error in judgement this past weekend. I actually tuned in to MTV for a short period of time. I would like to thank the mindless, no talent, freaks who produce this crap for giving me a few more lines on my forehead. I sat there, entranced with my head tilted like a dog who just heard a high pitched noise. Was it the staggering amount of natural talent and charisma of the performers that entranced me? No. Was it the quality programming of the "shows" that balance the sheer genius of the performers? No. I am actually having a difficult time processing and explaining what I just witnessed. However, I will remove the brain to mouth filter, and give it my best shot. (Hey, Lady Ga Ga and Kanye West, that means you.)

I would like to know who determined that, in order to be a singing and dancing performer, that you don't actually have to possess any of those traits, or abilities. Britney, would you PLEASE get the hell off of my television and out of the news! For the love of everything good in the world, would you just admit that you have NO TALENT and a good plastic surgeon who rebuilds you once every two years? You are one more dye job and peel away from Joan Rivers, for gawd's sake. You are NOT hot. Let me say that again. The only "men" who find you hot are children who still look under their sister's Barbie Doll's skirt, HOPING to find an explanation for why they wake up with sticky sheets. Was that to the point enough for you? You are a horrible performer, your looks were always mediocre, at best, you are a disgusting pseudo engineered human being, and the whole world laughs at you. I think that you and Kanye West could have a beautiful relationship, if you moved back home. Call the mother ship, your time here is done.

Now, I understand that the pop culture music industry is sorely lacking any semblance of real talent, but for the love of FUCK, how the hell do you justify filling the empty space between Lady Ga Ga and Chris Brown with a show entitled, "Jackass". For those of you who have not seen this show, I will briefly attempt to describe it. I want you to imagine every person, in your life, who you said "He is going to wind up dead, in rehab, or prison." and put them all on one TV show. That pretty much sums it up. Oh, except for the fact that they also staple their own balls to their legs and drink horse semen. You read that right. I will give you a minute to digest that. (pun intended). Are you back now? Good, because I want you to realize that our society has devolved to a point where the most idiotic of people have become "famous", and have gathered a following greater than Farrakhan's million man march. Maybe if T Pain had thought of it, more than half a million people would have shown up. Speaking of no talent. T Pain, honey, please listen to me. We know why you have to use that microphone. You suck. (you should be thankful, you got off easy.) Actually, I lied. T Pain you suck SO much, that I feel the need to continue. I think we need to take a look at just a small part of one of your works of pure art.

YEAH!
yea, yeah!
Woa, Ohh
nuh-nuh nuh Shawty
nuh-nuh nuh Shawty
nuh-nuh nuh Shawty
Don't chop me, Shawty don't screw me
Shawty don't chop me, Shawty don't screw me
Shawty don't chop me, Shawty don't screw me
Yeah
yea, Yeah

You guys think that I made that up, don't you? I didn't. The credit goes to the pure genius of the music industry combined with the limitless talent of "artists" like T Pain.
Look at those freakin lyrics, people. First of all, I would like to know the difference between "Yeah" and "Yea". Is that just so it LOOKS like there are actually more words to this "song"? Why the dash between the first set of nuh-nuh and not the second? I don't mean to insult your artistic license, T. Can I call you T? I think I will. You managed to make an entire verse of music using exactly four words that actually exist in the english language. That is very impressive. By the way, T, unless your "girlfriend/wife" *translation* "Shawty" is short, what the FUCK does that mean? I give up. I should have just stuck with, "you suck". You do.

Pop culture has it's place in this world. It can provide cheap entertainment, (unless you want to see them live or buy anything with their "designer label" on it) for those who don't really like to put too much thought into what is quality and what is not. There are BRILLIANT musicians and talent that knows no limits, yet we are indoctrinated and obsessed with idiots like Britney, Kanye, and, as I like to call him, T. What happened to music being a respected and revered form of communication and expression? I can tell you, it still exists. It is out there, people. Get the hell away from the boob tube, and PAY ATTENTION. There is an entire world of unique and beautiful talent out there. I know that many of you also thought that Bob Ross was an AMAZING painter, but trust me, Van Vogh would cut YOUR ear off for saying so.

I think my good friend, T, said it best,

Now you've officially been chopped and screwed
screwed-screwed, chopped-chopped and screwed
You've officially been dance-dance screwed
And ewed-ewed, chopped screwed-screwed
You've officially been chopped and screwed

*applause*

Holy shit.

Balloon Heads

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – A Colorado sheriff said he was pursuing criminal charges in the case of a 6-year-old boy who vanished into the rafters of his garage while the world thought he was zooming through the sky in a flying saucer-like helium balloon.
The boy's parents, Richard and Mayumi Heene, met with Larimer County investigators for much of the afternoon, but Sheriff Jim Alderden didn't say who would be charged or what the charges would be.
Alderden didn't call Thursday's hours-long drama a hoax, but he expressed disappointment that he couldn't level more serious charges in the incident, which sent police and the military scrambling to save young Falcon Heene as millions of worried television viewers watched.
"We were looking at Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances," Alderden said. "We are talking to the district attorney, federal officials to see if perhaps there aren't additional federal charges that are appropriate in this circumstance."
He said deputies were seeking a search warrant for the family's home, and there would be more information at a news conference Sunday.
After the sheriff went inside, Richard Heene and his wife walked out. As reporters yelled questions, all Heene said was, "I was talking to the sheriff's department just now." He then walked to his car with his wife and a friend, and they drove away.
The Heenes were expected to speak to reporters outside their home later Saturday, after a strange day that began with Richard Heene knocking on the windows of journalists camped outside his home and promising a "big announcement." A few hours later, he did an about-face when he told reporters that they should leave questions in a cardboard box on the front doorstep.
As Heene walked away, a reporter shouted, "Can you tell us once and for all if this is a hoax?"
"Absolutely no hoax. I want your questions in the box," Heene said, waving a cardboard container before going back into his home. A circus-like atmosphere formed outside, including men holding signs and occasionally yelling "balloon boy." One sign read, "Put balloon boy on TV: America's Most Wanted."
Other gawkers carried aluminum-foil stovetop popcorn makers that resembled the silvery balloon launched from the family's backyard Thursday, with 6-year-old Falcon Heene believed to be onboard.
While Richard and Mayumi Heene were at the sheriff's office, the couple's three sons remained home, apparently being watched by sheriff's officials. Authorities wouldn't comment on what was happening.
Alderden had said that he wanted to re-interview the family after Falcon turned to his dad during a CNN interview and said "you said we did this for a show" when asked why he didn't come out of his hiding place. Then Falcon got sick during two separate TV interviews when asked why he hid.
The balloon was supposed to be tethered to the ground when it lifted off, and no one was supposed to be aboard. A video of the launch shows the family counting down in unison, "3, 2, 1," before Richard Heene pulls a cord, setting the balloon into the air.
"Whoa!" one of the boys exclaims. Then his father says in disbelief, "Oh, my God!" He then says to someone, "You didn't put the (expletive) tether down!" and he kicks the wood frame that had held the balloon.
Falcon's brother said he saw him inside the compartment before it took off and that's why they thought he was in there when it launched. Heene said he had yelled at Falcon before the launch for getting inside.
Alderden said earlier that he thinks it's likely that Falcon ran off because he was scared of getting in trouble, later falling asleep in his hiding spot. He said he doubted that such a hyperactive boy could be ordered to stay quiet for the five hours he was missing.
Over the years, Richard Heene has worked as a storm chaser, a handyman and contractor, and an aspiring reality-TV star.
He and his family appeared on the ABC reality show "Wife Swap," and the show's producer said it had a show in development with the Heenes but the deal is now off. TLC also said Heene had pitched a reality show to the network months ago, but it passed on the offer.
Despite his attempts to get on TV, Heene insisted Saturday that he didn't know what kinds of questions were being asked about him because he didn't have cable.
"I'm going to place the box out front. Please write your questions down, because friends are telling me they're saying this and that. I have no idea what the news is saying," Heene said.

______________________________________________________

I guess that since this stupid crap won't die, I will comment. Where do I begin with this one? Can you say, ATTENTION WHORES???? Let us look at the facts here. This "father of the year" and, apparently mute wife, have attempted on several occasions to get their moment in the national spotlight via "reality TV." Well, I have to tell you, this is about as unreal as it gets. I would LOVE to know what this moron pitched as his idea for his "reality show".....

"Hey, uh....I have an idear. Y'all can come here to Colorada, and bring them thar movie cameras. I got me a big Jiffy Pop thingy, and I was fixin on launchin my yungun up in it. What y'all think?"

That balloon is not the only thing full of hot air. The concept of a mother and father having a "final countdown" to launch, but yet NOT doing a headcount of their children, is well, insulting to anyone with an IQ over 75. Let me get this straight. This idiot prepares to launch the balloon. He KNOWS that his son is ,apparently, proned to climbing aboard. Then he procedes to swear at his other son for not tethering the stupid balloon. I just read that again, and the song from Munchkin Land ran through my head. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" Coincidentally, the "missing child" just HAPPENS to be alseep in the rafters. Huh? Is he Anne Frank for god's sake?

This, unfortunately is not the funniest (by funny, I mean disgusting) part of this sideshow. There are people ACTUALLY camped outside of his house, and their only purpose there is to mock this family with Jiffy Pop. Come on, that's just a LITTLE funny. What I wonder is, where do these groups of people come from? This can't be the way that these "onlookers" form together...

"Hey Bill, what are you doing today?"

"Oh Jed, I was just gonna mow the lawn, then I was headin' over to that "balloon boy's" house with some Jiffy Pop. You wanna come? It should be a real hoot and holler!"

"Hell yeah, Bill! I will make me some signs that say "balloon boy"., and maybe we can get on TV too!"

"Aight Jed, see ya there! Bring the yunguns, they can fetch the beer!"

I shudder to think of any other possibility.

Come to think of it, I wish that I had made the trip, myself! I can tell you why. I would LOVE to see the questions that the media representatives put in the cardboard box on the front "stoop". I would have turned it into a "suggestion box". My first suggestion? Don't breed again. Thank you. That is all I have to say.

This is not worth further attention. Thank you for wasting the last 3 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ap_on_re_us/us_boy_in_balloon

Excuse me, George? Could I have a word with you?

NEWARK, Del. — Finding character witnesses when you are 6 years old is not easy. But there was Zachary Christie last week at a school disciplinary committee hearing with his karate instructor and his mother’s fiancé by his side to vouch for him.

Zachary’s offense? Taking a camping utensil that can serve as a knife, fork and spoon to school. He was so excited about recently joining the Cub Scouts that he wanted to use it at lunch. School officials concluded that he had violated their zero-tolerance policy on weapons, and Zachary was suspended and now faces 45 days in the district’s reform school.

“It just seems unfair,” Zachary said, pausing as he practiced writing lower-case letters with his mother, who is home-schooling him while the family tries to overturn his punishment.
Spurred in part by the Columbine and Virginia Tech shootings, many school districts around the country adopted zero-tolerance policies on the possession of weapons on school grounds. More recently, there has been growing debate over whether the policies have gone too far.
But, based on the code of conduct for the Christina School District, where Zachary is a first grader, school officials had no choice. They had to suspend him because, “regardless of possessor’s intent,” knives are banned.
But the question on the minds of residents here is: Why do school officials not have more discretion in such cases?

Still, some school administrators argue that it is difficult to distinguish innocent pranks and mistakes from more serious threats, and that the policies must be strict to protect students.
“There is no parent who wants to get a phone call where they hear that their child no longer has two good seeing eyes because there was a scuffle and someone pulled out a knife,” said George Evans, the president of the Christina district’s school board.

For Delaware, Zachary’s case is especially frustrating because last year state lawmakers tried to make disciplinary rules more flexible by giving local boards authority to, “on a case-by-case basis, modify the terms of the expulsion.”

Um, Excuse me, Mr. Evans. Can I call you George? I think I will. You are missing your calling, sir. You really should be on the parole board at a maximum security prison that houses covicted child rapists and murderers. I really think that you should probably pull your head from your rectal cavity, and look at the facts here. This is a six year old child, you jackass. Do you even know what "zero tolerance" even means? I bet you don't. First of all, this whole drama scene was begun over the Columbine shootings. There is a key word there, do you see it? I bet not, again. The word is "shootings". The last time I checked, a knife can't shoot someone. So, try to follow along here. I assume that the "zero tolerance" for knives is related to the guns that killed the children at Columbine? Am I correct? OK then, herein lies your problem, genius. Where does it stop? A sharpened pencil is a weapon in the hands of an angry child. A putty knife in art class is a weapon in the hands of an angry child. A stapler is a weapon....oh hell, a book is a lethal weapon if swung with enough force. Do you see where I am going with this?

Where is the genius "think tank" that came up with what defines a weapon? This is why it is clearly written that the school should use discretion when administering punishment for "breaking the zero tolerance" law. How does suspending a child, who most likely, has NO IDEA what he has done wrong, solve the problem of violence in the schools? You most likely just aided in creating a child with emotional issues when it comes to his treatment within the school environment. What did YOU take to school when you were just a 6 year old boy, George? A protractor? How about a plastic knife and fork set in your lunchbox? How would YOU have felt if you were humiliated because some jackass decided that it was a "lethal weapon". Would you be the all powerful and all knowing MR. EVANS? I bet the kids have come up with some really good names for YOU over the years. They would probably carve them into their desks, but they can't have knives. OH, but they CAN carve them with a sharp piece of plastic that they pulled from their chair. By the way, they probably picked at their chair out of sheer boredom with your curriculum. I only guess that because you CLEARLY have your head so far up the "politically correct" asses of your administration, that you most likely, don't have much time to focus on mundane things like TEACHING the kids. Just a stab in the dark, George.

Now, don't get all pouty and defensive on me here, George. The truth hurts, I know. Imagine the hurt that you are causing this child, and his family simply because you are a less than virile, neutered man. Grow a set, George, and for once in your pandering life, do what's right. Let the kid back in school. Have your stupid meetings monthly with the students and the teachers about violence and handling their emotions in an appropriate way. But PLEASE don't make an example of a six year old child because you are too stupid and scared to do the right thing. When we set the standard of what is and is not acceptible in our society off of the worst possible scenario, it is doomed to fail. You can NEVER imagine the worst, and you will end up hurting the innocent in your race to defeat the guilty. Have your secretary read that, and interpret it for you. She needs something to do other than roll her eyes at you behind your back. Have a good day, George.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/12/education/12discipline.html?no_interstitial

Rated "E" for Everyone

October 7 2:42 P.M.
Nervous flyers, beware: a Department of Homeland Security-funded project is investigating whether Wii Fit Balance Boards might be good ways to detect signs of tension or unease in airport security lines.

The next step in the War on Terrorism?
As somewhere over 20 million Wii Fit owners know, the Balance Board can detect your precise balance point, making it a perfect keep-fit tool -- but the Future Attribute Screening Technology project hopes detecting physiological signs -- including rapid shifts in balance -- will help identify passengers who may have hostile intentions.
"Researchers took a Wii balance board...and altered it to show how someone's weight shifts. Studies are now under way to determine whether there is a level of fidgeting that would suggest the need for secondary screening," CNN said.
The Balance Board is just one of a suite of sensors the Boston-based project is trialing; others include eye trackers and devices that record respiratory and heart rates. Researchers say their goal is to have a system ready for field tests in 2011.

This is one of those, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???" moments. I get up in the morning, grab my cup of coffee, check my emails and the news page. Why do I continue to do this when almost daily, something like this pops off the screen and screams, "We are a country of morons and sheep!!!!". I know, it is so that I can gather material for this.....

Is there a focus group somewhere who actually thought this would be a good idea? Apparently there must be. It begs the question, who the hell are these people? I would like to meet them, although I have a sneaking suspicion that I already have. This group MUST consist of a group of people who are SO out of touch with reality that it boggles the mind of the average person. How would you like to be a fly on the wall in THAT brain storming session? I can just see it now. There they sit, a bunch of reality flunkies trying to justify their pathetic existance and hide the stunning reality that they are utterly and completely in the dark about anything that even remotely touches upon practical application and common sense. I know, that was a run-on sentence. The idea is so idiotic, that I don't feel the need to put much effort into the retort. Imagine what that room must have looked like. There, gathered around a bunch of folding office tables covered with a plethora of bagels and styrofoam cups, are the representatives of "the good idea" people. There is a big screen pulled down from the ceiling, and a WII game console on the table. At each of their seats is a WII Fit balance board. HOW THE FUCK did they make the connection from that piece of junk to "airport security"??? Maybe they were all distracted by the blue fireflies in the room. Those, of course are not fireflies, but the blinking blue tooth in each of their ears. Something tells me that they aren't the best multi-taskers.

Whose money are they sinking into THIS ridiculous possibility? Who the hell is THAT good of a salesman? I only ask that because I have applied common sense. People fidget. Some people don't like to fly! So, when you have them on your little "device that detects uneasiness", what the hell are they supposed to think? You people are staggeringly STUPID! Who the hell are you? I want just one chance to slap you upside your head, and tell you to STOP capitalizing on the brainwashed fear of the masses just to boost your own financial portfolio. Don't think, for one minute, that I actually believe that some focus group came up with this brain fart. I know who did. The scum-sucking opportunists who feel the need to perpetuate the fear that we are going to be attacked at any moment by the "evil Muslim terrorists". It already takes three hours to get on the fucking plane, and NOW you want to play video games with people, just to see if they are "excessively uneasy"? What the hell will you do, if they are? Hey morons, let me clue you in, you aren't making us safe. You are going to increase the cost of the flight to pay for your stupid shit, and then you are going to make us wait in line for an extra two hours because of it. How is THAT, in any possible way, going to boost your business?

I can't WAIT to see the first person in a wheelchair that has to get up and stand on the balance board. Oh, wait, you aren't going to make them do that? That's right, because terrorists would NEVER think to pose as handicapped to avoid your stupid little trap that you just advertised to the whole world. This idiocy serves ABSOLUTELY no purpose, what so ever. Yet, you idiots will find a way to profit from it. This is incredible. How do you slime balls sleep at night? I don't know who you are, or what your leverage is to pull this crap out of your asses and force it upon people who are too stupid to think for themselves, but I DO know this. If someone wants to blow up some shit with your airplane, they will. I know this because YOU think that the WII Fit balance board is an effective tool in preventing that. But you don't really, do you? You are scum. Your "study" is a fraud, and you deserve a WII Fit board firmly implanted where it just might throw YOUR balance off.

http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/plugged-in/fit-to-fly-balance-board-tapped-to-detect-shifty-characters-at-airports/1361483

You're An Idiot

There are just certain things that make me shake my head, and say, "Wow, you are an idiot." Bumper stickers are stupid. Let me say that again. Bumper stickers are stupid. I am not so bored in traffic, nor am I so feeble minded that your idiotic sticker means anything to me other than to point directly to the fact that you are, indeed, an idiot. Now pay attention, people. This sticker, "God is my co-pilot", makes me want ro ram into the back of your car, causing severe injury and trauma. The reason is simple. You don't have a co-pilot. Nor are you flying an aircraft. It is a 1998 Oldsmobile. God wouldn't be caught dead in it. BUT, I am very open minded, so I am thinking that you can prove your contention by praying hard enough to stop my truck from demolishing your car and causing you permanent injury. Want to give it a try? I didn't think so. Take the stupid sticker off. Idiot.

This one is one of my favorites, "God is pro-life". Really? What is the infant mortality rate, again? Is your God taking a lunch and his substitute has limited powers? What is your rationale for the deaths of countless impoverished newborns brought into a life of suffering and pain? I only ask because the last time that I checked, LIFE means just that. It means not dead. People die, therefore God is NOT pro-life, but actually his business is booming, thanks to death. Huh, who would have thought. I KNOW, anyone who isn't a moron. Idiot. I will only make you suffer through one more, in that same line of thinking. This particular sticker says it all, folks. "God bless America and our troops". Are you serious? Do you even realize what that sticker says? First of all, why tack on "...and our troops" at the end? I thought your God was all knowing and all powerful. I am confused as to why you have to remind him that we have troops that may not actually be living in America right at this moment. Secondly, please stop blessing the country that prides itself on it's cultural and religious diversity with your feeble God that can't even keep track of where all the people are that he is to be blessing. By the way, what the hell is "blessing"? Whatever it is, he must be doing a piss poor job, because our troops keep dying. Sorry to state the obvious, and show you what a simpleton you are. Idiot.

If I see one more "My child is an honor's student at BLAH BLAH middle school", I am going to lose my mind. Listen, you moron. I don't care. As a matter of fact, YOUR kid is an honor's student because we have dumbed down our education system in this country so that your stupid little Connor and Kaitlin can make the freakin honor roll. Are you even aware of how far behind other countries we are in educating our youth? I bet that you aren't. The only thing that matters to you is making sure that your baby has a "feel good" moment when you put that stupid sticker on your car. Well, I have news for you. I hope that little Connor has taken a second language. He is going to need it when one of the many higher educated countries take our stupid asses over. Then maybe he can work at McDonalds. Put THAT on a sticker. "My son is manager of McDonalds". Be proud. Idiot.

Now, I understand that you are, and should be, ashamed that you voted for Senator McCain for president. However, you have NOT redeemed yourself by simply cutting HIS name off of the sticker on your car, and leaving PALIN behind. Read that sentence again. Do you see the ending? Here, I will point it out for you. "....leaving Palin behind". That is what the rest of the country has done. Try to keep up. Idiot.

Bush '04. For the love of everything unholy, would you PLEASE take that off. We know, he won. We know, you voted for him. Is this really a fact that you are proud of? Let me tell you what that sticker means to me. It means that you were an idiot then, and you are an even bigger idiot now. I know this because BUSH IS AN IDIOT! Put this sticker on your car, "My Pet Goat". Now there is a Bush accomplishment that we can all be proud of. Idiot.

You DO know that you are driving a car, right? I am just checking because, for the life of me, I cannot grasp how "Save our planet" belongs on a vehicle that pollutes our planet. How would you like me to save it? How about I take your keys from you, and you can peddle your stupid ass to where you are going! Don't preach to me about our planet by displaying such hypocrisy. You are making the people who actually practice what they preach look bad. I should cover your sticker with "God save our planet". Then you could fit in with the idiots on the other side of the fence. Moron.

Is there a website or a store that sells a "Conservative Idiot Kit"? I am asking because there has to be a rational explanation for why I see groups of the same stupid stickers vomitted all over beat up trucks. Now, focus you jerk. Could you PLEASE explain to me why you have the following stickers all over your truck? A black and white "POW" sticker, a "Bush '04" sticker, that stupid sticker that looks like an offical seal, but is actually just your membership to the NRA, "God, Guns, and Gold", a sticker featuring a little boy peeing on a Ford/Chevy emblem, a confederate flag, and a decal of some antlered animal that you plan to shoot. Does any of this really make any sense to you, or did you just get a good deal on your kit? How many proof of purchases from SKOAL did it cost you to get that stupid bunch of crap? Basically, all it says to me is, "I like to kill stuff, and I want the POWs returned unharmed." Think about that. It also says, "I am a racist bigot, and I would like to pee on your vehicle because it is different than mine." Now there is one more statement here, "I voted for Bush, and now our country is broke, and I have turned my assets (tractor and beer cans full of change) into gold." WTF???? Idiot is not a strong enough word for you. I will have to get back to you later when I think of a better one.

So, I think that I have made my point about bumper stickers, but there is just one last thing that begs to be said. WOULD YOU PLEASE, AT LEAST, PUT THEM ON STRAIGHT??? Holy hell, people. You bought the stupid thing because it was a message that you JUST HAD to display to every person unfortunate enough to be stuck behind you. Why, for the love of hell, can you NOT pay attention long enough to put it on the car straight? That adds an extra degree of stupidity to this process. People who put bumper stickers on their cars and trucks are idiots, but YOU are in a class even below them. If it isn't important enough to you to put it on the car straight, how about you just don't bother? Idiot.

Bottom of the food chain

I have come to a harsh realization recently. I, apparently, am the bottom of the food chain in my house. This realization came by way of my fish. Yes, I said fish, as in, my pet Oscar fish. I can’t tell you his name, nor are my children allowed to say it. I will leave that up to your imagination. I would like to digress for a moment. How is a fish a pet? The word, pet, is originally a word suggesting action. Does anyone actually pet their fish? If you do, you seriously need to get out more.

Back to the topic at hand. This stupid fish hates me. I know what you are thinking. How can a fish “hate”. I don’t know. However, you don’t know that they can’t, so hush up and listen. My desk sits right next to his tank. It is an 85 gallon monstrosity with one angry Oscar inhabiting it. (There used to be four of them, but he ate the others.) This psychotic creature spends all day staring at me with his creepy googly eyes. If I dare to get up, and walk over to the tank, he opens his mouth as wide as he can, and charges the glass. This is why I call him a stupid fish. It is glass, idiot. What, exactly, do you think you are accomplishing with this behavior? Just once, I would like to scoop his nasty ass out of the safety of his water and drop him on the floor. The only problem with that is how pathetic it is for me to tower over a flopping fish taunting him about who is the tough one now. The real fun ensues when I attempt to feed him. He jumps out of the water, and has grabbed my finger on more than one occasion. Now, I know that this ornery thing does not have teeth, nor does he hurt me. However, I will scream like a little girl every time he does it. This is greatly amusing to my children. The reason is simple. He doesn’t behave this way with any other member of the family.

I have to ask my children to feed the fish, because I fear an animal that lives in a glass box full of water, and doesn’t have teeth. Even as I type that, I wonder what happened to put me at the bottom of the food chain here. I blame the kids. From the time that they were born, it has been me who has fed, clothed and kept them safe. They, however, have no problem with allowing me to dwell in the primordial ooze that is the rank and file in our home. Having said that, we also own two male Great Danes. (I know. I am insane. Just wait, it gets worse.) These dogs easily outweigh and overpower everyone in the home. I will give you three guesses who is viewed as the weakest link. That’s right, me. My children are all boys. I have three sons, ages 14, 12 and 10. (Pity me.) They are very playful and full of snark and spunk. Like all children, they love to taunt me. Their favorite time for this behavior is when I am busy working on my laptop. My middle son enjoys nothing more than coming up behind me and giving me a “wet willy”. For those of you who own civilized children, and don’t know what that is, I will explain. He licks his finger and sticks it in my ear. Charming behavior, that is for certain. When I react to his behavior, it is apparently, the cue for the other two children to join in the mayhem. They have a secret weapon. The dogs will not allow me to, in any way, do anything that they perceive as harm to my children. So, when I attempt to grab my son up, and give him a taste of his own medicine, the dog reminds me that it was a bad idea. My 185lb Great Dane will knock me down, and stand over me while my children taunt me from across the room. The dog is very gentle, but reminds me that he will tolerate any harm coming to his little humans.

Do I need to remind these stupid dogs that I gave birth to those rotten little vermin? I tried that. He didn’t care. The only thing I got for my efforts of communication was a big, wet tongue down the side of my face. I would prefer the “wet willy”, thank you very much. The other Dane will stand guard near my children, just in case I am creative enough to escape the other one’s clutches. Once I have lowered my voice, and the children say that it is ok, the dog will allow me to get up. This is not a good situation for me. Let me explain a bit about my dogs. They are beautiful, loving, gentle creatures. My children sleep on top of them, and they fiercely guard their little people. I love that about my dogs, but they must not have gotten the memo that I am the boss here. They are brilliant animals. They can open doors to let themselves out, and close them when they return. They can turn on the faucet to get a drink, and operate the ice maker on the refrigerator. We have to spell most of what we say, and then we have to begin to spell it backwards just so that the dogs don’t know what we are saying. It is safe to say, that they are more intelligent than the average human male. Oh, don’t get all in a snit over that, the truth hurts, I know. Here is my logic in regard to that issue. The dogs have trained the human males in my home to meet their every demand. I, however, am not so vulnerable. They keep me in check because they know that I am smarter than them. (Yeah, just go with it, people. It makes me feel better, so shut up.)

So now, I rank below the fish and the dogs. The children are next in line up the food chain. From the time that they were very little, I have been robbed of my ability to consume an entire meal. It is true, and every mother reading this knows what I mean. When they are infants, and I was breastfeeding them, they would decide it was time to eat EVERY time I sat down to feed myself. Then they became able to eat the same food that I did. Great, now they have the same freakin thing on their plate that I have on mine. Why is it that food always looks better to a child when it is on the adult’s plate? I swear, I could have put a pile of crap on a plate, and as long as it is in front of me, they would eat it. Come on, you have all done that. You take the toddler’s food, and put it on your plate, pretend to eat it, and the dumb kid falls for it the first 30 times. Again, the dogs learn faster than that. Now we enter the teenage and pre-teen years. Have you ever ordered a pizza, and then had to answer the phone? I have. The concept of “save some for mom” seems to elude them. I think they actually eat it faster, just so that I don’t get any. And who do they give their crust and scraps to? You guessed it, the stupid dogs. I give up.

I would like to introduce you to the top of the food chain in my house. His name is Brad. He has the role of step-father to my sons. He holds this title simply due to his gender, and ability to entertain them. The boys idolize him, and he can do no wrong. The favorite phrase heard in my house is, “Don’t tell mom.” He spends endless hours bonding with my sons, and conspiring against me. I had no idea that the ability to do a back flip on a trampoline could earn such undue admiration and respect. If only I had been a gymnast, I may have stood a shot at being held to that level of awesomeness. The dogs greet him at the door, after work, with wild excitement, and if he leaves they whine until he returns. The children tell him their deepest, darkest secrets and trust him with their hearts and lives. I can’t even get an honest answer to “who left the seat up?????” I bet it was Brad.

So, although I have the stretch marks and circles under my eyes, even though I have fed all of the creatures in my home, even though I have endured hours of mindless drivel and scooped countless piles of poop, despite the fact that I have anguished over the bills and found a way to pay them, even after countless visits to the school for endless nonsense, in spite of the fact that I have scheduled doctor and vet appointments and shuttled their ungrateful asses there, I am the lowest member of the food chain in my home.

I give up. That stupid fish is staring at me, the dogs have to pee, and my son needs a ride to a birthday party. I have to go now, the masters await. Where is Brad, do you ask? Oh, he is out playing disc golf with my boss. I am not kidding. You envy me, don’t you?

Willfully Ignorant

If you want to give yourself a bleeding ulcer, discuss politics with your co-workers. I do my best to avoid such discussions. I actually find that the very word “discussion” is a misnomer, in this particular situation. We have all heard the saying, “never discuss politics or religion *insert situation here*”. Why, then do I constantly have to be barraged with ignorance in the workplace? A day does not go by where there is not a backhanded comment made about our president or the current state of our country. I will give you the most recent example. There were seven of us sitting around a table, and the most ignorant among us spoke first. He stated, “Hey, *other ignorant co-worker* did you see the cartoon hanging by the time clock this morning? It said One Big Ass Mistake America. HAHAHAHAHA”. Now, for those of you who are too intelligent to see the humor there, it is an acronym for Obama. Funny, huh?

Ignorant moron number one had to then explain why that was funny to ignorant moron number two. The reason is obvious. It is a visual attempt at wit and humor. Without the highlighting and capitalization of the first letter of each word, the other simpleton could not understand the concept. Following the blank stare from moron number two, ignorant fool number one said, “Get it? O B A M A, Obama. One Big Ass Mistake America, it spells Obama.” (I am still not sure what the comma that should precede the word “America” would symbolize there. Oh, no matter, they don’t even know that there SHOULD be a comma there. That would just complicate things for them.) At this point, the second fool got it. He laughed in the usual buffoon way, and replied, “There should be another one with Obama holding his hand out and saying “Can I borrow another three trillion dollars?” This was hysterical to the original Neanderthal.

At this point, I was already up, and out of my chair and headed for the door. Unfortunately, the filter that is between my brain and my mouth has a hole in it, and this slipped out, “Oh yes, you mean to pay for the war that YOUR president started?” Now, I have to explain the use of the term, ‘your president’. These ignorant fools have repeatedly stated that Barack Obama is NOT their president. I can only assume that George Bush was. I don’t know why they feel the need to disassociate with the man who is commander in chief. After all, it is the Republican party who has shoved down our throats for years that not supporting your president is “un-American”. I guess that only applies to those who oppose them. (I bet there is another reason, see if you can pick up on it as this progresses.)

The response from buffoon number two was one that I was not expecting. It was so over-simplified and incoherent that I was, again, stopped in my tracks. He stated with self assuredness, “Well, we were attacked first.” I was stunned, but managed to gather it together long enough to state the following, “Really? By Iraq? Gee, I must have missed that headline.” Now, let’s take a moment and really look at that exchange. The original contention was that Barack Obama is spending money that must be perceived as unnecessary, hence the overstatement of the amount of money. I reminded them that we have a war that was started by the prior president (their president) to pay for. The response was then given to justify the initiation of that war, therefore justifying the need to spend the money. Basically, he shot his own position in the ass. He did not, and still does not realize that.

Is your head hurting yet? Mine was. Now, here is where it turns ugly. The original buffoon’s response to my statement about Iraq was, “What difference does it make, they are all the same.” Oh holy hell. As the second moron is vigorously nodding his empty skull in agreement, I blurted out, in my best ignorant hick voice, “Y’all know it! One dead sand nigger is as good as another, ain't that right, y’all?” They both laughed and said, “Now, you’re getting it! That’s right!”

Here is the point when I had to simply leave the room, and take a deep breath. I wondered to myself, for hours how these people can be this hateful and willfully ignorant. You see, I knew from the beginning of this exchange that the issue with Barack Obama has little or nothing to do with the current state of our country, and everything to do with his race and party affiliation. This man has been in office for eight months, and they have already deemed him to be a mistake. I wonder how they have such vast powers of prognostication to make such a jump in rational thought. That is the problem. Rational thought does not exist in their reality. The only thing that matters to them is that their team lost. They actually want to see a failure of this administration, just so that they can claim righteousness. So, they do what the Republican shock jockeys have taught them. You simply make a willfully ignorant and untrue statement over and over again, and eventually it becomes truth and reality to those who want to believe it.

What a sad state of existence that must be. I voted and campaigned for Barack Obama. That is the very reason that I will be watching him, and his administration very closely. It is our duty and our right to question our leadership. It is also our duty to speak out when the people that we hired are not doing their job. I will not blindly follow a leader simply because I bought his eloquent campaign speeches. I want to see results, and if I do not, I will speak out. I am, however, realistic and realize that he cannot make big changes over night. He may not be able to make big changes at all. Barack Obama is merely a figurehead. He has very limited power, and has many voices that he must listen to and appease. He is not a dictator, people. He is one man of many who will make the decisions that will either improve or harm our nation.

It is an oversimplified thought process that brings people to see him as the singular problem with our leadership. It is that simplification that the trouble makers count on. They have used word association in regard to the man’s name, and his “questionable origin of birth” to stir the pot and to divide our nation. Yet, people blindly follow their indoctrination out of their own need to justify their blind hatred of a man based on his color. I am not one for pulling the “race card”, but you would have to be equally willfully ignorant to not see that in our country right now. The most shocking thing, for me, in regard to Obama’s rise to power is that they don’t realize how much they did to enable his ascension. The GOP slapped every American in the face with their choice of candidates, the structure of their campaign, and even the very slogan that represented their platform. I will not drone endlessly on about the failures of Senator Mccain and Governor Palin. We know what they are, and those who don’t, never will. This is a classic case of biting the hand that feeds you. When you appeal only to the base of your supporters, you better make sure that your base is the majority. It was not. You lost. Let it go. Barack Obama is our president now. You can hate him. You can sit around your pool table with your beer buddies and run his name into the ground while spouting racial slurs and blind ignorance. But, for the love of your god, would you PLEASE at least educate yourselves long enough to at least come up with a more intelligent way of communicating your ideas. The same old rhetoric is getting tired. The world is passing you by as you wallow in your backwards thinking and deep rooted hatred. Oh, by the way, I will give you an example of how intellect and education can benefit one who is trying to make a point with word association. Palin is the Greek word for “backward”. Now, I ask you, why would you follow someone who, not only has a backward thought process, but whose very name denotes the direction of your party? Read it again, think about it, use Google if you have to. I will be here and waiting on the edge of my seat for your well thought out retort.

People, you have at least three more years to come up with something a little more concrete than using the man’s name to prove that he is ruining our country. He is human. He will make mistakes. If you pull your head out of your ass long enough to think for yourselves, you may be shocked at the reality that becomes visible. You may be able to find fault with his actions, and the actions of his administration. You may be able to avoid broad prognostications of what a failure he is, and is going to continue to be. You may actually be able to analyze the facts for what they are, and not what you are told to believe. Through that process, you may be able to make improvements on his mistakes and restore honor and dignity to the party that you so loyally follow.

Or you can continue to drown yourself in Fox News and be brainwashed sheep. The choice is yours. Just don’t come crying to me about how MY president has ruined YOUR country. Your ignorance, and the ignorance of your party was just the boost that he needed. For that, I thank you. Your god knows, I wouldn’t want “Backwards”, and “Son of the first murderer” (according to your book of fantasy) to take my country into the future. Go ahead, look it up.

Usama or Osama?

MURDER OF U.S. NATIONALS OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES; CONSPIRACY TO MURDER U.S. NATIONALS OUTSIDE THE UNITED STATES; ATTACK ON A FEDERAL FACILITY RESULTING IN DEATH
USAMA BIN LADEN
Aliases:
Usama Bin Muhammad Bin Ladin, Shaykh Usama Bin Ladin, The Prince, The Emir, Abu Abdallah, Mujahid Shaykh, Hajj, The Director
DESCRIPTION
Date of Birth Used: 1957
Hair: Brown
Place of Birth: Saudi Arabia
Eyes: Brown
Height: 6'4" to 6'6"
Sex: Male
Weight: Approximately 160 pounds
Complexion: Olive
Build: Thin
Citizenship: Saudi Arabian
Language: Arabic (probably Pashtu)
Scars and Marks: None known
Remarks: Bin Laden is left-handed and walks with a cane.
CAUTION
Usama Bin Laden is wanted in connection with the August 7, 1998, bombings of the United States Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya. These attacks killed over 200 people. In addition, Bin Laden is a suspect in other terrorist attacks throughout the world.
REWARD
The Rewards For Justice Program, United States Department of State, is offering a reward of up to $25 million for information leading directly to the apprehension or conviction of Usama Bin Laden. An additional $2 million is being offered through a program developed and funded by the Airline Pilots Association and the Air Transport Association.
SHOULD BE CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS PERSON, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL FBI OFFICE OR THE NEAREST AMERICAN EMBASSY OR CONSULATE.


Welcome to number one on the FBI's most wanted terrorists list. Really? Are you sure he is number one? I have to wonder if the FBI made him number one, or the media made him number one. Only one problem, someone has his name spelled incorrectly. I only say that because if we can't have consistency in the spelling of his name, then how the hell do you expect to capture him? Then, what the shit are you going to do with him when you catch him? I have a few suggestions. First of all, find out how this man, and this man alone ran a group of individual cells of rebels who pride themselves on their elusiveness and trust no one. Think about that for a minute. Do we REALLY know who Al Queda is? Nope. It is a name given to a group of trouble makers who hate us. Actually they hate everyone. They consist of religioulsy brainwashed children and young men who hide behind their "god". How easy is it, do you think, to control such a group? My guess is that he has very little, if any control over them. He may be the voice that spurs the violence, but that is all I am willing to give him. He is a piss ant.

I do not fear him, or his like. They are weak men of weak constitution and character. They are willing to die over a lie, and a fantasy. Why do we fear that? The problem with fear, is that it breeds hatred. Yes, their religion is bizarre, but I have bad news for you. So is yours. How do they differ from the vile hatred and atrocities commited at the hands of Christians throughout history? They don't. The difference is their appearance and the media attention given to them. They appear very ominous behind those dark eyes and facial hair. They wear strange clothes and head dressings, and their view of the world is one that we do not understand. Funny, that description matches many of our own "trouble makers" throughout time. The first is Jim Jones, known as the leader of the cult formed as "Jonestown". The second is Ted Kaczynski, otherwise known as the unabomber. How about Charles Manson? You see, we too are capable of breeding sadistic killers who are set on destroying what they do not feel meets their standards. We call them serial killers. We call everyone who matches Usama's description a terrorist. Word play, people, that is all it is. Those individuals are no different from each other. Throughout history, there have been hundreds of Bin Ladens. Why do we fear him so much? You are fools. You fear him because he wants you to. He is the Muslim monster who hides in your closet and beneath your bed. Now, who is brainwashed? You are.

Now, back to that ridiculous "wanted poster". First, let's take a look at the description of this "notorious killer", who, by the way, we actually had in custody years ago. We aren't sure exactly how tall he is, or what language he speaks. We don't know where he is but we know that he is left handed and has a limp. He has no known scars? Wow, and yet we know his approximate weight? Are they kidding? My favorite part though, has to be the reward. There is total of 27 million dollars on this man's head. Do you know how many virgins you can buy with that kind of cash? I bet his henchmen do. This whole concept of posting a direct line of access for the general public makes me chuckle. Can you just imagine the "reports" and "information" gathered by the poor guy that has to sort through this crap? I can see it now...

"YAH! I'd 'preciate it if y'all could send some of them men in black down here, cuz I'm purdy sure the guy next door is a terrorist. I wuz out skinnin my deer on Sunday, and I sawr him fixin' on blowin' up my shed! He got him one of them thar towels on his head, and wuz lookin kinda shifty in the eyes. Y'all still got that billion dollar reward for infirmation leadin to his arrest? Will that mess up my disablity payments? Do I have to pay taxes on at?"

Good lawd, people, use some common sense here. Do you really think that there is any purpose to this list other than fear mongering?

Go to the site. Look at it. They title it in bright red lettering....TERRORISTS. They have a separate list for them, AS IF any of you can even pronounce their names, let alone identify them in public. Yeah, they are notorious all over the world. There are thousands of trained operatives looking for them, and YOU think that this is somehow HELPFUL in their capture? We are such a mis-guided flock of bleating sheep.

Is Usama dead or alive? I don't know. I do know this, if the man is alive, there is a reason. You should really put some thought into what those reasons are. I am pretty sure it is not because he found a good cave to hide in. So, who should you REALLY fear, and be keeping an eye on? I would say, the ones who made that poster.

http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/terrorists/terbinladen.htm

THE "EX"

I am an ex-wife. After my divorce, I began to pay attention to the inner workings of other separated couples. It was fascinating. Every one of us seemed to take on the role of a character fit for daytime drama. I am beginning to see why the divorce rate is so high. It is simply a chronic “mis-match” situation. So, I compiled a list of the characters that I have witnessed over the years and would like to play a little game. I wonder if we could just match up the personalities AFTER the divorce and have a better shot at people staying together. There is a certain degree of revelation that happens in the divorce process. In other words, the real you is revealed. That is where the compatibility is found, in the real personalities of people. When we are dating, and courting for marriage, everyone hides a certain amount of who they really are. I feel that everyone should have to go through the divorce process before they are married. After all, would YOU marry any of the following?

The Ex-husband

The Wimp
He loves to play golf, and wear one of his collection of conservative polo shirts. He treasures his comfortable loafers and occasionally shows off his sandals with black socks. This is like being married to your sister, the neat freak. He is about as masculine as Richard Simmons. He hires someone to mow the lawn, and orders you to have the carpets cleaned once a month. His underwear are neatly folded and assorted by color and date of purchase. His toothbrush is kept in a separate holder because he doesn’t want it to bump against yours. You are beginning to wonder how you ever conceived the children. His manicure is immaculate, and his every hair is trimmed with precision. (ALL of his hair) After 10 years of marriage, you think it is time to take the next step, and try having sex somewhere other than the bed, on your back. No such luck.

The Egomaniac
This one is the serial cheater, philanderer and bar hopping, self absorbed strip club frequenter with a closet full of “weekend clothes”. He has more hair care products than you do. The numbers on his platinum credit card are all but worn off. He comes home reeking of multiple perfumes. The women flock to him, wherever he goes. He repeatedly reminds you that you should be flattered by this behavior, after all, you are the one he comes home to. He has a standing appointment at the dentist’s office for routine whitenings of his teeth. He spends hours practicing his wink, smile combination in front of the mirror. The very sight of his self assured swagger makes you nauseated. Not to mention the stench of his cologne. You watch him walk out the door and wonder if you should confirm for him, that his behavior is nothing but an over-compensation for a “short coming”. Oh well, tonight’s woman will find out soon enough. Time to pack.

The Traveling Salesman
This winner has lots and lots of friends from all social circles. Unfortunately, he has those friends because he still a drug habit from college. The good news is, he hides it well with a steady paycheck. Well, steady that is, until he develops that nasty little habit of going to the track with his buddy from the old neighborhood. He has tons of nick names, and is always the life of the party. Everyone thinks you are so lucky to have him. After all, he was the Prom king and voted “most likely to succeed”. If only he had.

The Workaholic
This prince charming works long hours, answers your questions with a distracted nod, and spends all of his spare time calculating his next big move at the office. He has multiple levels of secretaries because one woman can’t possibly meet his demands. Who needs that many women? What do you do all day??? You need a secretary just to remember your secretaries’ birthdays. Wow, and you thought this guy would make you the most important thing in his life. He collects things. He blindly follows the “whatever man dies with the most toys, wins” mantra. Whether or not he is able to “get it up” is determined by his performance at the meeting today. His supply of little blue pills is almost as vast as his collection of antique desk blotters.

The “I Married You Because I Knocked You Up"
Many like to play this role, but few actually can fill it. This is the guy that marries the most miserable, raunchy woman ever known to man, and refuses to admit that he married her for her ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose. It may also be the fact that he can’t hold down a job, and her stripping tips is all that is paying for their “pay as you go” cell phone. This is, of course, while supplementing the check that he gets thanks to that little stumble at Wal Mart. Whew good thing you knocked her up, or you would be broke. That kid is your ticket to food stamps. He, instead, claims that he just had to do the right thing by her and the baby.

The “Have Your Cake and Eat It Too”.
This one stops by once a week to have sex with the ex wife. (Tuesday nights are reserved for her best friend). This one makes me wonder if “spousal support” actually makes the government her pimp…just a thought.

The Eternal Child
You married this one because he is cute and endearing, full of fun and youth. Yeah, at 24, but not so much at 50. A beer belly, exposed butt crack, comb over, sweaty pit stains, party socks, a half a can of beer, and a trampoline are not a pretty site. This is also referred to as the “epiphany divorce”. This is where the soon to be ex wife sees the look on the neighbor’s faces, and says, “What the hell was I thinking?? His mother was right.”

The Mama’s Boy
His mother calls to tell him that the girl he should have married just got engaged, and that there is still time. She stops over to help with his laundry, showing you how he likes his shirts folded. He is always quick with the “almost as good as my mom made it” comment, after you spent 6 hours in the kitchen. She (the shrew-in-law) drops by unannounced, and gets in the house with the key that he gave her. That key, by the way, was your key. It isn’t lost. He gave it to her. He buys you and his mother the same gift, only hers was for mother’s day, making a mixer an appropriate gift for her, but NOT for you for your anniversary. She needs him to take her to the doctor because she just can’t see to drive, and he believes her, never mind her late night trips to Bingo. You are reminded continually of how you “ruined his life” and “he should have listened to his mother”. You agree.

The Psycho
Unfortunately, you don’t know that you are married to one of these, until the divorce. He could be, originally any of the above. It takes nothing short of heavy equipment and police action to get him out of the house. That is where the fun begins. He suddenly never wanted to marry you in the first place, and wishes you dead. An hour later, you get a teary phone call telling you that he still loves you and wants a second, or third, or fourth chance. But, who’s counting? The next morning, you find your tires are flat. You wonder what made him think that you wouldn’t know it was him. He sends hundreds of emails and text messages, each one contradicting the last. He threatens suicide or killing your new boyfriend, depending on how he feels at the time. There is always one minor detail that he seems to forget. The kids. He only seems to remember them when he is standing before the nice lady with a gavel and a black robe. Whoops.

The Ex Wife

The Doormat
This one allows the husband to come and go as he pleases, for the kids sake. But really, it is for her sake. After all, how can she actually push for a divorce when she depends on his paycheck and medical benefits? Her own self worth does not ever occur to her. The kids, of course, just wish they would have it one way or another, either divorce or stay together. However, mommy knows best, and she thinks that hanging in limbo forever is healthy. After all, she can’t call all of her friends and tell them what ignorant thing he did yesterday, if she actually has the cojones to kick him out…for good.

The “Jerry Springer Sweeps Week”
This one is a real treat. She has slept with your brother, best friend and niece…and yet….she feels the need to blame YOU for the divorce. If you just would have ignored the fact that your son has blue eyes and curly hair, and you both have brown hair and brown eyes, things would have been fine. After all, you THOUGHT he was your son…he called you “dad”. So, what difference does it make? Never mind that tragic chain link fence incident that rendered you sterile when you were 12. She must have forgotten about that. She takes you to court for child support and a DNA test reveals that you are not the biological father. No kidding. Now, this woman convinces the judge that you are the only father that the child has ever known, and you agree that you loved the child like he was your own….nice going….you are now paying for the child that actually belongs to your cousin’s ex-boyfriend. She laughs all the way to the nail salon.

The Trailer Park Queen
She has a bright future in the major leagues. This woman can throw your stuff further than a professional outfielder. She stands in the doorway of your mobile home, screen door propped open with her hip, throwing your treasured possessions as far as the eye can see. You duck and dodge your NASCAR anniversary beer cans, your collections of sports jerseys with the arms cut off, your beer tap handle shaped like Pamela Lee whizzes past your head. You could have been killed by that one. She tells you that she never loved you and that you are inadequate in bed (or the back seat of your pickup, whatever.). She smashes your series of Super Bowl commemorative mugs off of the trailer next to you. You stand there just hoping that she doesn’t find your knife collection that you have hidden under the mattress. You never even make it to court, thanks to multiple restraining orders, and the fact that she was already married when you married her. WHEW, dodged a bullet there!

Ms. High Maintenance
This one is going to cost you. She cared more about the bulge in the back of your pants than the front when she married you. Your first clue would have been when she wanted a larger engagement ring. Your marriage has consisted of tummy tucks, face peels, breast implants and electrolysis treatments. You pay for all of this. Why? Well, because it is YOUR fault, silly. Those children that you had to have, ruined her youthful looks. She has selflessly done all of these things for you and the kids, the least you can do is pay for the repairs. Do you know what it would cost you to have to pay someone for all of the things she has done? You would need a nanny, a housekeeper, a prostitute, a secretary and a chef. Hold on a minute. You just did the math. That would have been cheaper. You total up the wardrobe that consists of material stripped from the bodies of dead animals, the endless collection of pointless knick knacks, the custom designed draperies and bed coverings, the bulky furniture, the “investment art” that adorns your walls, and you remember something. You never wanted any of it. You also have an aversion to floral print. That didn’t stop her, though. Everyone who is anyone (according to her designer) had that pattern. Your stomach flops as you realize that you should have kept your mouth shut, and never let her find that condom wrapper in your Jaguar. You must now, “keep her in the lifestyle which she has become accustomed”. Uh oh. Then there are the kids. By the time this divorce is over, you will be the only top CFO with a part time job, and living in your mother’s basement.

The Spy
Oh boy, this one is a challenge. Your whole relationship, she was the social butterfly. She was always polite, fun and endearing. Her hair was always perfectly in place, and flawless make-up. It was her uniform for becoming the leader of her troops. She has acquired a small army of estrogen to keep tabs on you wherever you go. The true masters of this role have been skilled enough to recruit your own family. Your own mother keeps her updated on who you are dating. Your own sister gives her the juicy details of who the girl is. Your cousin becomes friends with your new girlfriend, just to get her cell phone number for your ex. This is where it gets ugly. You can’t go to the restroom in public without her knowing which hand you wiped with. She has moved on with her life, while you are suffering one break up after another. It is her life mission to make sure that you are never happy. This is all because you fell asleep once while she was crying. Idiot.

The Victim
This piece of work is the slimiest of all the “ex” roles. She hides behind her children, and manages to convince everyone that she was the victim of everything that ever went wrong in your relationship. She is the martyr, and the dutiful wife and mother. She can cry on command, and be off to the bar as soon as your mother agrees to watch the kids. She is watching them, of course, because your ex just needs a little time to herself. Time to herself being time with random men, of course. Sometimes, being right, and people knowing the truth is over rated. Trust me, just be thankful that she isn’t in your bed anymore.

The Serial MOM
You married her because you knew she would be good mother. You just didn’t know how good. If you come home from work, and hear one more word about “the kids”, you are going to choke her. You begin to wonder if this woman serves any other purpose on this earth than to procreate, control and shop. She has a closet full of “holiday sweaters”, and matching hair ribbons. She proudly displays the “my child is an honors student” bumper sticker on her light blue minivan. Her calendar is color-coded by child, activity and carpool. She has long since cut off the beautiful hair that made your heart swoon, and has replaced it with the “mom cut”. You know it, just above shoulder length, bangs gently curled under, and conservatively placed highlights. Her wardrobe now consists of the underwear that you found in your grandmother’s house when you were 6, comfortable slip-on shoes, and countless jogging suits. Her entire life revolves around the school activity schedule and shuttling the children from practice to music lessons. Your sex life died the minute your fourth child was born. Finally, you overcome the guilt placed there by her because she does so much and you do so little, and move out. As it turns out, she has found happiness with your daughter’s math teacher. Good for her.

So, I know what you are thinking. You know of at least two people that match those descriptions. So do I. I have considered pairing them up together, if for no other reason, than to watch the fireworks fly. Divorce, marriage, separation, dating and child rearing have become part of our entertainment industry. We have dozens of “reality” TV shows dedicated to this very social behavior. You can tune in to watch people argue over their divorce, point fingers at who was the worse parent, and fight over their insignificant material possessions. You can then change the channel and watch another couple fall in love and marry. It begs the question, how long before they are on the other channel? We invade people’s lives as an escape from our own. That is a sad reality. Put THAT on a TV show.

This is all done with a purpose. Go back and read it again. Which one are you?

Game over.