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Suburban Hell

I find myself in a world unfit for those possessing even the most remote amount of sanity. I live in suburban hell. Now, I am an atheist, so really hell doesn’t even exist for me. Yet, I can’t help but ponder the idea that hell is very real, and that just possibly, I live in it. This has become quite a dilemma for me. So, I decided to do some research. I bypassed all of the things that promote rational thought, and went straight to the bible. This book poses quite a little problem, all in itself. But, I digress.

I skimmed past the story about the naked couple that ate ribs and fruit. Then there was some nonsense about a guy and a big dingy with pairs of animals crammed into it. Then I scrolled through the mundane tales of everything that is pure common sense, you know, like the lesson about not killing your brother, or fornicating with a goat. All very useful information, however, as it turns out, I was in the wrong damn book. That was a complete waste of twenty minutes of my life, that I will never get back. As it turns out, they wrote another book. That would have been useful information as a footnote in the first one.

Now, I have finally found what I am looking for. I scroll through the pages with the same open minded objectivity given by those who believe in it. This is what I found. Apparently, there was an angel that ticked God off. So, being the all forgiving God that he is, he kicked his ass out of Heaven. I suppose the angel got upset about it, and took it upon himself to singlehandedly take down anyone who dared to not take his side in the argument. It all seemed very petty, to me. But, who am I to judge, that job has already been taken and I am pretty sure that I don’t want to end up like that angel guy. So now, we have a choice, God, or the pissed off angel. I choose none of the above, the way that I look at it, I am screwed either way. Hell, apparently is full of fire and brimstone. Heaven is full of happiness and clouds. I am afraid of heights, and fire hurts. I have decided to keep my options open, just in case another option arises.

I have to say that the information that I found very much suited my theory. I would like you to indulge me for just another four, or five hundred paragraphs. Hell is described in the following way, as you already know, the head of this place is a vindictive, spiteful creature who got very upset because of a lost argument. This creature, the Devil, has many mignions who do his bidding. Basically, they are just very rude and don’t understand personal boundaries. I know this because of the whole “possession thing”. I also found that he is a very efficient multi-tasker. Did you know that the Devil can command his minions, fight with God, travel at the speed of light, create war, death, destruction, poverty, lust, create wealth, destroy wealth, keep the fires burning in hell, and still have time to have sex, and create a child. That is impressive. Here is another side note, once you visit the Devil, you can’t leave. Ever.

Let us get back to suburbia for just a moment. I will describe it for you, in great detail, and see if you can make the connection. A suburb is made up of people who want “more” than the city can offer. Within suburbs, you will find even smaller gatherings of mignions, they exist in what is referred to as “housing developments”. Once you enter a housing development, you can never leave. I mean that literally. Have you ever tried to find your way out of a housing plan that has all of the streets named after trees? I have, it isn’t pretty. So, while you are lost in the development, you decide that since you can’t leave, you might as well move in. Welcome to suburban hell. There is always a head of the development. I will refer to her as the Devil. She is otherwise known as the president of the civic association. Now, this devil commands her mignions with blinding efficiency. Housewives dutifully invading everyone’s privacy. Their methods are really quite slick. It all begins with the lowranking minion bringing you a casserole. I will refer to that as the ribs, and apples. Soon following that, you will have their children knocking at your door selling everything from cookies to magazines. Like a fool, you buy them, thus depleting your wealth. Now it is time for the neighborhood fundraiser, so upon the visit of another loyal follower, you agree to volunteer, thus creating wealth. At this point, you are trapped. They have fooled you into accepting their ways, and the next thing you know, you are hosting a candle party. After all, we must keep the fires of hell burning. I am going to stop and ask you a question. Did you know that suburban housewives have sex toy parties? Neither did I, until now. It all sounds a bit, I don’t know, lustful, maybe?

So, I decide to attend this gathering, purely for the research aspect of my theory, and wouldn’t you know, there was more evidence to be found. The party is never held within walking distance of your home. You always have to get in your car, and drive there because they choose the house furthest from convenience. On my way there, I was almost sideswiped by the devil in her rush to get her child home from cheerleading practice. Have you ever seen how fast suburbanites drive? Literally, at the speed of light. I find it curious that the devil is absent from our little suarre. I was informed that she was unable to attend due to a death in the family. I always knew that she wasn’t fond of her mother-in-law. It turns out that the poor old woman mysteriously had her pills mixed up, and her son and daughter-in-law inherited a fortune when she died. Oh well, some folks have all the luck.

Returning to the party now, I learned that someone had made a mistake with the invitation list. I found this puzzling, because my invitation was signed by the devil herself. But I am sure that it was purely an oversight that the woman who was sleeping with her neighbor’s husband was invited to the party hosted by the wife of the man she was sleeping with. Well, as you can imagine, a war was begun. The entire party was ruined and I never had the opportunity to purchase the penis shaped ice cube tray. I was very disappointed. I went home that night, and I had an epiphany. It dawned on me that ever since the devil’s divorce, she seemed a bit vindictive, and angry. The connection became clear. I sat straight up, grasped my heart in despair, and realized that I was trapped in suburban hell.

There is a moral to this story folks, now pay close attention. When you feel the temptation to enter the land of perfectly manicured lawns, when you see the quaint little homes all in a row, when you see the children gleefully playing in the well nestled cul de sac, there is something that I would like you to remember. It may appear to be beautiful. It may appear to have all of the charms of peace and happiness. I have seen the depiction of an angel. I imagine that you have seen the same. Remember, things are not always as they appear, after all, it was one pissed off angel that started this mess in the first place. If you do not heed my warning, do not look for support from me when you are trapped in suburban Hell.