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A Letter To My Father

Dear Dad,
You will never read this letter for it has been fifteen years since you departed this earth. I have been asked many times, ‘If you had one thing in your life that you could go back and change, what would it be?’ My response comes without hesitation. I would go back to that last moment when our eyes met. Yours were filled with love, and sadness. Mine were filled with anger and resentment. I have your eyes, Dad. I wonder if you ever noticed how much of you lived inside of me.
I ponder so many questions that you held the answers to. I never had the chance to ask. So, I will take the time now to seek those answers. I have three sons now, Dad. The day of each of their births, I looked into their eyes, and I saw you. I wondered if they carried a message from you. I sobbed violently wishing that you were there to see them. I want to know now, when I was born, and you looked into my eyes, what did you see? Were there questions that you wanted to ask me? You didn’t ask, did you? Why?
When my eyes met with my son’s, a love was born that could never be stolen. I made a promise to my son right at that very moment, to never allow what was done to me to be done to him. He is my son, my life, my reason for everything that I do. Dad, you broke your promise. When you left Mom, and allowed your children to be stolen from her, you betrayed me. My life was filled with pain, because you never looked into my eyes and asked the question that every mother and father should ask. “What did I do to deserve this amazing gift, my child?” The answer is in your child’s eyes. It is so clear, if you had bothered to look. The answer was “I love you, Daddy.” You had inside of you a capacity to love beyond yourself.
Dad, I had to look into the eyes of a man who beat me and search for the love that you were supposed to give. I want to know why. What happened to you that robbed you of the ability to love your own child enough to fight? You took those answers with you. I asked those questions a million times in my life, before I knew you. Dad, how was I supposed to ask a lifetime of questions in six months? Why did you deny me those answers? I spent eighteen years dreaming of you, and imagining the love that you had for me. Then finally, the time came for our eyes to meet again.
Suddenly, I felt as though I was reborn. I forgot all of the questions that I wanted to ask. I believed that I would have a lifetime to beg those answers. I was wrong. Your desire to drink consumed and destroyed the love that you had for me. I was so angry with you! I want you to know that it was not just your life that you destroyed, and took for granted, but mine as well. I still feel the anger of that day. I remember your last words to me as if they are an echo in a dark room. Do you remember what you said? “Baby girl, please don’t do with your life, what I have done with mine.” The tears flow like fire just releasing those words now.
I did not understand at that time what you were telling me. I was angry, Dad. You had hurt me so deeply in a way that mere words fail to express. If I had known what was encompassed in that statement, I would have changed my response. “I will never do with my life what you have done with yours. You are drunk, and a waste of life, I will see you again when you are sober.” Those words haunt me. I wish with all of my heart that you had given me the opportunity to try just one more time.
That next night is burned in my memory as if it were made of fire. I remember the call. The sound of a ringing phone has never been the same. What was once just a sound has become a cold dagger through my heart. The voice on the other end said that you were gone. It was so surreal. Time seemed to halt, and all strength left my body. I collapsed when I heard the final words, “he killed himself, it is all over, he is gone.” Do you know what happened in that moment? Another question was born. Why?
It has been fifteen years since you left me. I think of you everyday, I love you deeper, and with more of my heart with every passing minute. You see Dad, with the passing of time, you have given me the greatest gift that a father could give. You gave your life for me. I was too young, and too naïve to realize it. Your words have forever altered my path. I never needed the answers, they were there all along. Your life, your choices, and your mistakes have been my map. You have been my guide in death more than you ever could have been in life.
It is ironic that now, the only regret that I have is not the unanswered questions, but the one time that you asked and I responded. I want you to know that I am sorry for what I said. I want you to know what my answer would have been if time really had stood still. “Dad, I love you. I will hold you in my heart, and let you go so that your pain can end and my life can begin.” I forgive you Dad, and I beg your forgiveness. When the sun rises again, and it reflects in my son’s eyes, I will see your forgiveness. Then I can forgive myself.
You have taught me so much when you gave your life away. You have taught me the power of words. You have shown me the importance of loving to the fullest every day, for you never know when the phone will ring. I have seen more in my sons because you made me search. Most importantly, you have broken me down to the basics of human components, and forced me to rebuild. I have done it, Dad. You would be proud. I have not done with my life, what you had done with yours. There is one thing that I will do just like you. I will share my words with others. I will share my pain, in the hopes that others will learn.
Your message lives on in me. Your life had value, not only to me, but to anyone who can’t find their path. The only thing that they need to know lies within the source of their pain. It lies within their hearts, and is carried through their words. I honor your life, and your death by passing your message to all who will listen.
“Don’t do with your life, what he did with his.” Remember to love others before yourself. Know that there is great power in your words, they can be tools of healing or of destruction. Always let the ones you love feel what you do for them. Most importantly, look into your children’s eyes, and ask “What did I do to deserve your love, my child?” If you live up to what that child asks of you, you will not make the mistakes of my father.
I give these words in your memory, Dad. I love you, I miss you, and I forgive you.


Love always,
Your baby girl