Eye of the Storm

I have been thinking about family, friends and the state of our country right now.

I miss my friends who have moved so far away, I miss the friends that have been lost over the years. I feel empty and alone when I think of the reality that I never had a family before creating one of my own with my sons.

I reread the post from yesterday, and I know how much our families, friends and loved ones affect our choices and desires in regard to our politics.

The fact that there are just plain old CRAPPY PEOPLE in this world that are just set on hurting others to ease their own misery is a reality that I would like to erase.

Everyday of my life is a struggle to remember what person I want to be. It is so easy to regress into resentment and sadness. I look back on my life, and I wonder how I even made it here. Some days, I just wish I could be that person that says "f*** it" and release all of my anger, resentment, hatred and pain onto someone else.

There are days that I am very quiet, and reserved. Those are usually the days when I struggle the most with remembering who I am.

Every moment in this life tests our fortitude and our commitment both to ourselves and to the ones we love.

I wonder about those who appear to not have these moments and tests. Do they suffer the way that I do? Have they ever suffered a day in their lives?

That is what leads me to our politics. Do we project so much of our lives onto others that we can actually create a climate where the only thing that can grow is life riddled with toxicity?

My social politics very much differs from my practical application politics.

By that, I mean that how I want to see this world socially is much different from the way that it can actually be.

I was raised in a home full of hate. I know where my views on religion and social interactions come from. It is not a sub conscious existance like many. My "family" was full of hate and bitterness, yet they appeared, on every level, to be a loving, Catholic, middle class, conservative family.

They tossed around racial slurs like wildfire. They went to church every Sunday. They all drank alcohol regularly, and out of a need to "feel different". They hated gays. They hated liberals. They hated Jews. They hated Asians. They dressed conservatively and kept their home pristine and full of religious paraphernalia. There is one link here...they hated me.

I was just a small child when I came to live with them. (and THAT is a story that is stranger than fiction) I remember their eyes scaring me, especially my parents. They were very different. One had deep brown eyes and the other very light blue eyes. They both held an element of intimidation. I wanted to crawl out of my skin when I looked into them. I knew, ALWAYS, that I did not belong there.

I have said, many times that when I think of my life, growing up, that it was like watching my existance from outside a snow globe. It was as if I was watching it all happen...and powerless to stop it. For a while, I tried to conform to what I thought they wanted me to be. I do not know at what age that began to change.

I saw the result of such bitterness and hatred, and I linked them together with thier misinterpretation of me. It was then that I realized what kind of person I wanted, and was going to be, no matter what THEY tried to create.

I even used that as a template for raising my sons. When I faced a situation that I was unsure of, i would remember what was done to me in that instance, and do the opposite. It was all I could do. I did not have a pattern to follow, or a guide for how to love and to be compassionate.

I remember the names that they would call me, and then I would hear them say the word "nigger". That is how I knew it was wrong. I would hear them say "faggot", and that is how i knew it was wrong. I felt the pain of others because I knew the pain they caused me.

It was an unusual situation that will, for the rest of my life, puzzle and confuse anyone who hears about it. I keep much of it to myself, as a constant reminder that we are all living a different life, and mine is not for the teachings of others, but just for me. I share parts of who I am, in the hopes that it will make change possible for others, but i am painfully aware of the unlikelyhood of that.

Psychologists have made a career of placing blame on our pasts, and on judging people by what they experienced as children. This has happened so much that we have created a template for what we JUST KNOW this person, or that person is thinking, feeling and doing because we watched an episode of Dr Phil. The reality is that we will NEVER know why people do the things that they do, and why they feel the ways that they do. I just wish that the "airmchair, daytime shrinks" would just keep their uneducated mouths shut, and spend some time thinking about why they make the choices that they do.

For a while, i was more left of center as my political and social standing. I have gone more to center in the past few years. I CANNOT shut out all of what I was exposed to. There is a basis for reality in others hate and intolerance. To shut out all that I oppose is equally harmful as opening too far to what I support.

Life is a balance and i struggle with that balance often. I wish there were a black and white, clear formula that we could all follow for compatibility and peace. There just is not.

We can never allow ourselves to become puppets for propaganda. We can never allow ourselves to become so entrenched in what we just KNOW is right that we lose the ability to see what others think and feel. That does not mean that we have to conform to it, always. It just means that we must be able to, on some level, take a moment and think about who we are before we judge another.

After 911, there were flags everywhere. There were yellow ribbons and people draped in the symbols of religion and country. Where did that get us? I am tired of seeing the flags. I am tired of the witty one line bumper stickers that show "support" of our country at the expense of others. I am tired of being told to "think for yourself" by someone who means "think like me".

This drives me right to the center. I'm neither left, nor right. I am in the center of the shitstorm, and lost with so many others. It seems as if we just look at each other and shake our heads thinking "WTF is wrong with these people????"

That, I suppose, is the answer. They are people.

Just like me.