The Prototype...

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Those of you who are familiar with language construction of various cultures and ethnicities know that there are, within one language, many times, several dialects. I have discovered that within the Americanized, bastardized version of English, we too, have different dialects. I am going to create a new standard for dialect detection. It is called "listen to an asshole on their cellphone in public." It is stunning, to me, how many people think that they are the only ones within hearing distance of their conversation.

I spend quite a bit of time in and around the general public. My hope for retirement is to move to a deserted island or mountaintop where there are no cellphones or people who can speak. The only acceptable community will be a mute one. The greatest irritant in regard to cellphone use, is when you are in a confined space, with no exit strategy. For example, I was on an elevator yesterday, and an Asian woman entered while talking on her cellphone. By talking, I mean screaming in a language that I could not understand even if I had a lifetime of study to perfect. I was married to a Chinese man for ten years, and the only thing that I retained was how to swear, and count to ten. That being said, I can also tell you that the Chinese language is one that is spoken at a higher volume than many others. It always sounds like they are pissed off, yet they could be wishing someone happy freakin birthday. This woman was no exception. I wanted to take her phone and shove it so far up her ass that she would need Roto Rooter to get it out. Hey lady, the accoustics in an elevator are NOT condusive to screaming. If the person on the other end of the phone was not deaf before you called them, they are now. There were several other people on the elevator who also seemed to be agitated by her conversation, yet you never hear anyone speak up and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP! My guess is that she got a free pass because it was assumed that she would not understand them. Wrong again. SHUT THE FUCK UP, is universal, give it a try once, you will see. Ten bucks say that she speaks English when THAT flies out of your mouth!

When I think of public confined spaces, elevators are the number one social anxiety trap. There is a close second, and that is ANY form of public transportation. I have to ride a small shuttle bus from my place of employment to my parking lot. This ride is, on average, twenty to thirty minutes long. I would like to introduce you to who I have designated to be "the prototype" for EVERYTHING that irritates me about the American social climate. This twenty something woman is the bane of my existance everyday at 3:40pm. I want you to remember one VERY important fact. The ID badge that is clipped to her shirt reads "RN", as in, REGISTERED NURSE! This is the woman who cares for you, and is your lifeline to the doctor that will potentially save your life. Be afraid, be very, very afraid. She enters the shuttle, on her fucking phone. It never fails, she sits right accross from me with her oversized bag/purse/luggage carry-on, whatever the hell it is. I know that you could easily pack enough food to feed a small third world country in it. She always sits in the seat by the window, and places that ugly piece of animal hide on the seat next to her, thus preventing anyone from sitting with her. She then crosses her legs, forcing one knee into the back of the seat in front of her with NO regard for the person sitting there. Her makeup looks like she just walked head on into a wet painting. She holds her oversized phone to her ear and taps her acrylic nails on the case, as if she is sending Morse Code to the other person. The bad news is, they couldn't possibly decipher it over the incessant verbal diarrhea that spews from her bright pink glittery lips. I can't even describe the torture that is felt while she inanely shares every minute of her pathetic existance with the other person. Because of this woman, I have developed an aversion to the word, "like". I know that you are nodding your head in agreement now. We have all heard teenagers abuse the word, but come on you dipshit, you are NOT fifteen anymore. PLEASE develop some form of coherent communication skills, because if I have to hear THIS ONE MORE TIME....

"So, like, I was like so tired last night. Then, like, Travis called and like was like pissed off cuz I didn't answer my phone. Then he like texted me like thirty times like in a row. Then, I like told him that like I can't always, like, answer my phone. I am like, a good friend, but like, I have my limits, like you know? So anyways, like when I like finally talked to him when I was done working, like he said that like he was looking for a job and like that he was thinking about finding a new place to like live. I was like, well, Travis, you like have no money and all that. Then like he had the like nerve to like tell me to like mind my own business! YEAH! I KNOW! So anyways, like when I was done talking to him I like got a text from Abby, and she like told me that like Travis was like pissed at me and all that. I was like, whatever, he is like so immature."

Now, continue that line of thought for another twenty nine minutes, or so. Is this a new dialect within our language that I am unfamiliar with, or is this just more of the same uneducated stupidity that runs rampid in our society? I am going with option "B". I came to that conclusion by putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together. Combine blatent disregard for other people with over self absorption, and you have a nurse who wears pink sweat pants that say "PINK" on the ass. We know they are pink, asshole. OH, you want us to look at your ass? Ok, then get off of the fucking phone, go to the gym, and tone that thing up a bit. THEN you don't have to draw attention to it with print, moron.

I swear that one day soon, I am going to walk up to her and ask to speak to the person on the other end of that phone. I want to ask them two things, firstly, how the fuck do you listen to this everyday? My guess is that the response will be, "Like, who is this?" Then secondly, I will ask her to PLEASE tell this stupid bitch to shut the hell up! I am assuming that it will not pan out so well for me. I know this because of the "birds of a feather" thing. I couldn't bear THIS as a response...

"Like, I don't know who you like think you are, but Alicia is like my bestest friend in the whole world. We like grew up together and like she is so totally the best friend I like ever had, so like, if you don't like her then, like that ain't my problem. Like, I don't know anyone else who like can wear Crocs and and sweatpants and like STILL look good, you know what I'm sayin? So like who don't you like just mind your own business and like leave her alone."

I would LOVE to mind my own business, bitch! That is the problem here, I CAN'T because my head is all clogged up with cheap designer perfume, and the word "LIKE". Stupid twit.

I used to think that texting was stupid and pointless. I now see the necessity for it. We have regressed to communication via the written word after decades of developing technology that allows verbal, personal communication. Why would we do that? Ask "Like Chick". Better yet, ask the people who suffer through the idiotic rantings of her loosly developed vocabulary. Given the choice between hearing one more story about Travis and hearing the beeping of the text, I GUARANTEE they will choose the beeping. Congratulations, "Like Chick", you have become more annoying than a rythmic pattern of beeping and clicking. You ARE the prototype for everything that is wrong with our society, you moronic, self absorbed, obnoxious, ignorant fool.