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THE "EX"

I am an ex-wife. After my divorce, I began to pay attention to the inner workings of other separated couples. It was fascinating. Every one of us seemed to take on the role of a character fit for daytime drama. I am beginning to see why the divorce rate is so high. It is simply a chronic “mis-match” situation. So, I compiled a list of the characters that I have witnessed over the years and would like to play a little game. I wonder if we could just match up the personalities AFTER the divorce and have a better shot at people staying together. There is a certain degree of revelation that happens in the divorce process. In other words, the real you is revealed. That is where the compatibility is found, in the real personalities of people. When we are dating, and courting for marriage, everyone hides a certain amount of who they really are. I feel that everyone should have to go through the divorce process before they are married. After all, would YOU marry any of the following?

The Ex-husband

The Wimp
He loves to play golf, and wear one of his collection of conservative polo shirts. He treasures his comfortable loafers and occasionally shows off his sandals with black socks. This is like being married to your sister, the neat freak. He is about as masculine as Richard Simmons. He hires someone to mow the lawn, and orders you to have the carpets cleaned once a month. His underwear are neatly folded and assorted by color and date of purchase. His toothbrush is kept in a separate holder because he doesn’t want it to bump against yours. You are beginning to wonder how you ever conceived the children. His manicure is immaculate, and his every hair is trimmed with precision. (ALL of his hair) After 10 years of marriage, you think it is time to take the next step, and try having sex somewhere other than the bed, on your back. No such luck.

The Egomaniac
This one is the serial cheater, philanderer and bar hopping, self absorbed strip club frequenter with a closet full of “weekend clothes”. He has more hair care products than you do. The numbers on his platinum credit card are all but worn off. He comes home reeking of multiple perfumes. The women flock to him, wherever he goes. He repeatedly reminds you that you should be flattered by this behavior, after all, you are the one he comes home to. He has a standing appointment at the dentist’s office for routine whitenings of his teeth. He spends hours practicing his wink, smile combination in front of the mirror. The very sight of his self assured swagger makes you nauseated. Not to mention the stench of his cologne. You watch him walk out the door and wonder if you should confirm for him, that his behavior is nothing but an over-compensation for a “short coming”. Oh well, tonight’s woman will find out soon enough. Time to pack.

The Traveling Salesman
This winner has lots and lots of friends from all social circles. Unfortunately, he has those friends because he still a drug habit from college. The good news is, he hides it well with a steady paycheck. Well, steady that is, until he develops that nasty little habit of going to the track with his buddy from the old neighborhood. He has tons of nick names, and is always the life of the party. Everyone thinks you are so lucky to have him. After all, he was the Prom king and voted “most likely to succeed”. If only he had.

The Workaholic
This prince charming works long hours, answers your questions with a distracted nod, and spends all of his spare time calculating his next big move at the office. He has multiple levels of secretaries because one woman can’t possibly meet his demands. Who needs that many women? What do you do all day??? You need a secretary just to remember your secretaries’ birthdays. Wow, and you thought this guy would make you the most important thing in his life. He collects things. He blindly follows the “whatever man dies with the most toys, wins” mantra. Whether or not he is able to “get it up” is determined by his performance at the meeting today. His supply of little blue pills is almost as vast as his collection of antique desk blotters.

The “I Married You Because I Knocked You Up"
Many like to play this role, but few actually can fill it. This is the guy that marries the most miserable, raunchy woman ever known to man, and refuses to admit that he married her for her ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose. It may also be the fact that he can’t hold down a job, and her stripping tips is all that is paying for their “pay as you go” cell phone. This is, of course, while supplementing the check that he gets thanks to that little stumble at Wal Mart. Whew good thing you knocked her up, or you would be broke. That kid is your ticket to food stamps. He, instead, claims that he just had to do the right thing by her and the baby.

The “Have Your Cake and Eat It Too”.
This one stops by once a week to have sex with the ex wife. (Tuesday nights are reserved for her best friend). This one makes me wonder if “spousal support” actually makes the government her pimp…just a thought.

The Eternal Child
You married this one because he is cute and endearing, full of fun and youth. Yeah, at 24, but not so much at 50. A beer belly, exposed butt crack, comb over, sweaty pit stains, party socks, a half a can of beer, and a trampoline are not a pretty site. This is also referred to as the “epiphany divorce”. This is where the soon to be ex wife sees the look on the neighbor’s faces, and says, “What the hell was I thinking?? His mother was right.”

The Mama’s Boy
His mother calls to tell him that the girl he should have married just got engaged, and that there is still time. She stops over to help with his laundry, showing you how he likes his shirts folded. He is always quick with the “almost as good as my mom made it” comment, after you spent 6 hours in the kitchen. She (the shrew-in-law) drops by unannounced, and gets in the house with the key that he gave her. That key, by the way, was your key. It isn’t lost. He gave it to her. He buys you and his mother the same gift, only hers was for mother’s day, making a mixer an appropriate gift for her, but NOT for you for your anniversary. She needs him to take her to the doctor because she just can’t see to drive, and he believes her, never mind her late night trips to Bingo. You are reminded continually of how you “ruined his life” and “he should have listened to his mother”. You agree.

The Psycho
Unfortunately, you don’t know that you are married to one of these, until the divorce. He could be, originally any of the above. It takes nothing short of heavy equipment and police action to get him out of the house. That is where the fun begins. He suddenly never wanted to marry you in the first place, and wishes you dead. An hour later, you get a teary phone call telling you that he still loves you and wants a second, or third, or fourth chance. But, who’s counting? The next morning, you find your tires are flat. You wonder what made him think that you wouldn’t know it was him. He sends hundreds of emails and text messages, each one contradicting the last. He threatens suicide or killing your new boyfriend, depending on how he feels at the time. There is always one minor detail that he seems to forget. The kids. He only seems to remember them when he is standing before the nice lady with a gavel and a black robe. Whoops.

The Ex Wife

The Doormat
This one allows the husband to come and go as he pleases, for the kids sake. But really, it is for her sake. After all, how can she actually push for a divorce when she depends on his paycheck and medical benefits? Her own self worth does not ever occur to her. The kids, of course, just wish they would have it one way or another, either divorce or stay together. However, mommy knows best, and she thinks that hanging in limbo forever is healthy. After all, she can’t call all of her friends and tell them what ignorant thing he did yesterday, if she actually has the cojones to kick him out…for good.

The “Jerry Springer Sweeps Week”
This one is a real treat. She has slept with your brother, best friend and niece…and yet….she feels the need to blame YOU for the divorce. If you just would have ignored the fact that your son has blue eyes and curly hair, and you both have brown hair and brown eyes, things would have been fine. After all, you THOUGHT he was your son…he called you “dad”. So, what difference does it make? Never mind that tragic chain link fence incident that rendered you sterile when you were 12. She must have forgotten about that. She takes you to court for child support and a DNA test reveals that you are not the biological father. No kidding. Now, this woman convinces the judge that you are the only father that the child has ever known, and you agree that you loved the child like he was your own….nice going….you are now paying for the child that actually belongs to your cousin’s ex-boyfriend. She laughs all the way to the nail salon.

The Trailer Park Queen
She has a bright future in the major leagues. This woman can throw your stuff further than a professional outfielder. She stands in the doorway of your mobile home, screen door propped open with her hip, throwing your treasured possessions as far as the eye can see. You duck and dodge your NASCAR anniversary beer cans, your collections of sports jerseys with the arms cut off, your beer tap handle shaped like Pamela Lee whizzes past your head. You could have been killed by that one. She tells you that she never loved you and that you are inadequate in bed (or the back seat of your pickup, whatever.). She smashes your series of Super Bowl commemorative mugs off of the trailer next to you. You stand there just hoping that she doesn’t find your knife collection that you have hidden under the mattress. You never even make it to court, thanks to multiple restraining orders, and the fact that she was already married when you married her. WHEW, dodged a bullet there!

Ms. High Maintenance
This one is going to cost you. She cared more about the bulge in the back of your pants than the front when she married you. Your first clue would have been when she wanted a larger engagement ring. Your marriage has consisted of tummy tucks, face peels, breast implants and electrolysis treatments. You pay for all of this. Why? Well, because it is YOUR fault, silly. Those children that you had to have, ruined her youthful looks. She has selflessly done all of these things for you and the kids, the least you can do is pay for the repairs. Do you know what it would cost you to have to pay someone for all of the things she has done? You would need a nanny, a housekeeper, a prostitute, a secretary and a chef. Hold on a minute. You just did the math. That would have been cheaper. You total up the wardrobe that consists of material stripped from the bodies of dead animals, the endless collection of pointless knick knacks, the custom designed draperies and bed coverings, the bulky furniture, the “investment art” that adorns your walls, and you remember something. You never wanted any of it. You also have an aversion to floral print. That didn’t stop her, though. Everyone who is anyone (according to her designer) had that pattern. Your stomach flops as you realize that you should have kept your mouth shut, and never let her find that condom wrapper in your Jaguar. You must now, “keep her in the lifestyle which she has become accustomed”. Uh oh. Then there are the kids. By the time this divorce is over, you will be the only top CFO with a part time job, and living in your mother’s basement.

The Spy
Oh boy, this one is a challenge. Your whole relationship, she was the social butterfly. She was always polite, fun and endearing. Her hair was always perfectly in place, and flawless make-up. It was her uniform for becoming the leader of her troops. She has acquired a small army of estrogen to keep tabs on you wherever you go. The true masters of this role have been skilled enough to recruit your own family. Your own mother keeps her updated on who you are dating. Your own sister gives her the juicy details of who the girl is. Your cousin becomes friends with your new girlfriend, just to get her cell phone number for your ex. This is where it gets ugly. You can’t go to the restroom in public without her knowing which hand you wiped with. She has moved on with her life, while you are suffering one break up after another. It is her life mission to make sure that you are never happy. This is all because you fell asleep once while she was crying. Idiot.

The Victim
This piece of work is the slimiest of all the “ex” roles. She hides behind her children, and manages to convince everyone that she was the victim of everything that ever went wrong in your relationship. She is the martyr, and the dutiful wife and mother. She can cry on command, and be off to the bar as soon as your mother agrees to watch the kids. She is watching them, of course, because your ex just needs a little time to herself. Time to herself being time with random men, of course. Sometimes, being right, and people knowing the truth is over rated. Trust me, just be thankful that she isn’t in your bed anymore.

The Serial MOM
You married her because you knew she would be good mother. You just didn’t know how good. If you come home from work, and hear one more word about “the kids”, you are going to choke her. You begin to wonder if this woman serves any other purpose on this earth than to procreate, control and shop. She has a closet full of “holiday sweaters”, and matching hair ribbons. She proudly displays the “my child is an honors student” bumper sticker on her light blue minivan. Her calendar is color-coded by child, activity and carpool. She has long since cut off the beautiful hair that made your heart swoon, and has replaced it with the “mom cut”. You know it, just above shoulder length, bangs gently curled under, and conservatively placed highlights. Her wardrobe now consists of the underwear that you found in your grandmother’s house when you were 6, comfortable slip-on shoes, and countless jogging suits. Her entire life revolves around the school activity schedule and shuttling the children from practice to music lessons. Your sex life died the minute your fourth child was born. Finally, you overcome the guilt placed there by her because she does so much and you do so little, and move out. As it turns out, she has found happiness with your daughter’s math teacher. Good for her.

So, I know what you are thinking. You know of at least two people that match those descriptions. So do I. I have considered pairing them up together, if for no other reason, than to watch the fireworks fly. Divorce, marriage, separation, dating and child rearing have become part of our entertainment industry. We have dozens of “reality” TV shows dedicated to this very social behavior. You can tune in to watch people argue over their divorce, point fingers at who was the worse parent, and fight over their insignificant material possessions. You can then change the channel and watch another couple fall in love and marry. It begs the question, how long before they are on the other channel? We invade people’s lives as an escape from our own. That is a sad reality. Put THAT on a TV show.

This is all done with a purpose. Go back and read it again. Which one are you?

Game over.