Friday, August 21, 2009

I'm a Landscaper DAMMIT!

My life.

Part of my highly prestigious position at work is the honorable and highly respected responsibility of cleaning the FUCKING PARKING GARAGES in dozens of hospital buildings.

Kill me now.

I am a damn landcaper. Someone didn't get the memo. But, bills keep coming...and well, money is the ONLY acceptable way of paying them. This is unfortunate. I would like to return to the barter system. "I will trade you one slightly used rocking chair for the crappy satellite service that YOU provide....whenever there isn't a cloud overhead, that is." (btw, I tried that, it didn't work.)

Where was I? Oh yes..parking garages.

I have a question for anyone reading this.

Have YOU ever had to shit so bad that you felt the need to shit down the wall in a public parking garage? I only ask this because I find this at least once a week. Then there is the mystery of WHY they think that Kleenex will IN ANY WAY HELP this situation.

I have news for you, it does not. You are just making a paper mache shit ball for ME to clean up.

Next on the list are the people who like to have sex in the garage. Yeah, I know, it is dark in the corners...there aren't any cameras there...and you don't want your wife to find out. SO, I have a suggestion for you.....STOP LEAVING THE USED CONDOM AND UNDERWEAR BEHIND! I swear, I will pay for the damn testing myself....and i will find you. Now, I am happy thet you are practicing safe sex, and all. Lord knows we don't need another mistress knocking on the front door, you can only buy your high maintenance wife so many facelifts before she gets pissed about "the other women". I am just trying to help you out here Dr. *insert name here*.

You like Mcdonalds? I used to.

Then I found this.

A rat.... dead in a Mcdonalds bag. THAT can't be a good sign. I am just sayin....

and while I am on that subject...why the hell do you people leave your half eaten lunches in the freakin garages???? How about this...why don't you walk your fat ass to the trash can that is 10 feet away, and try to burn off some of the artery clogging sludge that you just ingested..that BTW KILLED A RAT!

geesh.

diapers, tampons, and sanitary pads are NOT decorative! Let me repeat that....NOT DECORATIVE! What the hell is wrong with you? WHO changes a tampon in a parking garage???? Not only do you change it there, but then you find the need to throw it on the ground like a candy wrapper. Now, I understand that litter is litter....but holy hell...A TAMPON???? Yeah, your baby's diaper smells awful.....um....well, I gotta tell you....it is not exactly an air freshener after it has sat in a 100 degree parking garage over the weekend.

ok...this one bewildered me this week.

an entire gallon of spoiled milk.

WHO has THAT riding around in their car???? Please tell me why you have it...and why you felt that the garage was a good place to "drop it off". I only ask this because FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot think like a person who totes around a gallon of milk and then it suddenly occurs to them that MAYBE THAT is the smell eminating from their backseat. Are you retarded???? Don't answer that, because if you are, I will feel bad for calling you retarded...on second thought...no, I won't. You are an asshole...not just retarded.

ok now listen closely...

urine samples are to be left with the nurse in the hospital.

NOT IN A SPRITE BOTTLE OR A 40oz BEER BOTTLE IN THE DAMN GARAGE!!!!

Ok, so your nurse was pretty. Good for you. Does that mean that you have to jerk off all over the handle in the stairwell??? Here is a little known fact for y'all. Goo Gone is the ONLY thing that will take hardened semen off of a painted railing.

just in case you wanted to know.

ok.....so now that you have read all of that....FOCUS!

Someone has to clean up your disgusting messes. No matter where you think it will be "hidden". No matter what you think is just "providing us job security". No matter what you think is just your right or entitlement to be a douche bag....there is someone who hates you cleaning up after your disgusting ass.

Now, did I mention that I get paid more than the average nurse? I also make more than many of the "medical professionals" that leave these messes behind.

So, the next time you look down your nose and chuckle when you do something like that..remember this...I hope pigeon craps on the end of your upturned nose..and I most likely make more money than you.

HA!

did I mention that I am a landscaper? Yeah, exactly what I was thinking. WTF??? and HOW did I end up with THIS mess?

welcome to the blue collar world, folks. We make life civilized for the uncivilized. Enjoy those beautiful flowers and trees...they were planted and nurtured by the same person that is sweeping up your used rubbers.

holy crap.

Back to School Week

It has been peaceful on campus the past few months....I was not sad to see the college kids leave for the summer. The last impression that was left with me before they returned home to their over-indulged lives with Mommy and Daddy was the following....

A "young lady" standing IN THE WAY, as usual, talking on a cell phone to one of her many adoring and lifelong friends <---snicker ....

she was dressed as if she were selling and invitation to observe all that could be seen under the laws of decency.

You know the outfit... shorts that are WAY too short.... a tight babydoll tee shirt with some stupid reference to how cute she thinks she is on it.... two tone hair that just flabbergasts me that they think we don't know that those "highlights" were not made by the sun...but by a chemical squeezed from a tube. Her "muffin top" hanging delicately over her waistband..and the clear bump from a belly ring poking through her overstretched tee. AND OF COURSE... a tramp stamp tattoo in the shape of a flower, sun and moon. No college outfit is complete without the sparkly flip flops that show off thier pudgy toes and "cankles" with toenail polish that says... "hold on here".

Now that you have the visual....and don't forget the over done eye makeup that shows the utter vacancy of thought beneath those tinted contact lenses.....

she only made one statement that I could hear...

ready?

"Yeah like, I went to the party last night, and like... they had booze and drugs and sex and stuff!"

ok.

I wanna know what the "and stuff" was.

I felt like calling her father and telling him to think twice before he writes that next tuition check.

Soooooo, they are back now. Sighhhhhhhhhh

They swarm the campus with their air of stench from the multiple scented products eminating just beneath the pungent odor of the overpriced perfume that carries the name of some no talent "singer" with blonde hair and caps.

And the boys....

omg.... did you shower today, guys? I know that the girls wear enough smelly crap to cover up your scent as soon as the rub all over you... but come on now.... you still have to wash your "stuff" once in a while.

Now, the "young lady" that i just described comes with a name... one that is given by the young men that have conquered them... "cum dumpsters".

Yup.... true.

So a gaggle of these future lawyers and doctors (hahahha) were walking past the hospital and the young man that works for us for the summer said ..... "look, there goes a "cum landfill"!!!"

So, they are moving into their dorms this week. I don't know how they are going to pass their physics classes when they cannot grasp the concept of larger items on the bottom. The vacant expressions and the snotty frustration directed at their WAY TOO OLD parents who are lugging their shit into their dorms...makes me want to smack all of them right upside their heads and ask "what the f*** do you major in???"

My guess is basket weaving 101.

You can see the mating rituals beginning as the lure of the dozens of bars surrounding the campus beckons them like the Pied Piper. Oh, the dreams of youth...

to wake up on a strange floor with your "cutie" tee on the table....your shorts around your ankles....your face resting peacefully on the old smelly carpet stained with the vomit of skanks before you... all the while tasting the sticky sweet drink that carried the "ruffy o desire".

ahhhh, future memories in the making.

and our sons... the future.

no thanks... I'll just die. (Thank you, Jeff Foxworthy)

Because if it is up to a man who cannot pull his pants up, wears clothing that looks like it was worn by the homeless, yet costs $300 dollars an outfit, and had no handle on the English language other than the abbreviations used while texting... to be a man and keep this country running smoothly... (gawd knows "ruffy chick" doesn't stand a chance)...

I fear for the future.

tuition.....$60,000
room and board....$15,000
"grocery money"...(beer and drug money)....$6,000
a credit line at Abercrombie and Fitch.....$25,000

an overall GPA of 2.1, and an uncle in a high power position that will employ him/her combined with the ability to say "my son/daughter is a _____ alumni"...

PRICELESS!

The "Growing" Trend

I had an epiphany this past weekend. For a change, my other half and I went out to dinner and then on to a local dance club/bar.

Now...I am not young anymore. So, I thought that I would feel a bit out of place in there. I was right, but not for the reasons that you are thinking.

I only weigh 120 lbs.

I say "only" because THAT is my perspective.

I entered this club and looked around. Do you know what I saw? It was horrifying.

EVERY female in that club was AT LEAST 50 lbs overweight. I was stunned.

Now, I look around at people all day long...and i have noticed a "growing" trend. (pun intended) People are freakin FAT!

Now I know that isn't "pc" and all....but I don't care.

Let me tell you about my evening. Upon entering the club, I walked up to the bar to buy 2 drinks. (mine was Pepsi..hahaah...so I am sober when making these observations, thank you)

Two gargantuan women approached the bar from my left. I felt like i was on a safari.....or a picnic...not sure which. I say that because one was EASILY 300 lbs, and she was wearing a black and red checkered...um....shirt? I dunno what you would call it...but on her, it looked like a table cloth draped over a picnic table. The other 350lb behemouth was wearing a shiny floral printed shirt that crisscrossed over the fat bags that some may refer to as breasts that HUNG off of the front of her. Good thing she has those too, because it was the ONLY way to tell which side is the front. Her back went straight into her ass...just rolls upon rolls of blubbering fat.

Does all of this sound cruel? Too bad.

These two creatures ordered 3 drinks each. The drinks were full of sweet syrupy goop, and NEITHER of them tipped the bartender. (apparently the change is for the dollar menu at Mcdonalds). The first one had one drink consumed before she got back to her table...that was BTW, 15 feet from the bar. HEAVEN FORBID they walk further than THAT.

The other sow guzzled down two drinks before she was able to cram her fat ass into a chair suitable for a rhino.

They were both wearing some kind of stretchy material capri pants under thier tablecloths.

All I could think was how the hell their feet supported that weight...and why the hell they thought that all of that makeup would help. I mean really....does blush and concealer REALLY hide that fourth chin???? NO!

I thought that this was an isolated incident...gagged...and proceded to the dance floor area. OMG! They were not alone.

I became concerned for two reasons...one being the support system under the floor..and the other was the vision that I had of me being roasted over a spit because they didn't serve food.

So, I learned that it takes somewhere between 20 and 30 small drinks with a lot of syrup to get cattle drunk.

The men who entered this club looked like someone had just stolen their favorite toy. They walked in, looked around....seemed confused...then went to the bar.....lather, rinse, repeat.

The looks of disappointment, confusion, and deperation were both pitiful, and HILARIOUS!

I am SO tired of hearing that "fat" is a disability, and that they have a "thyroid problem". Give me a freakin break. These hogs can make it to the bar...dance( or whatever that was), smear their faces with layers of makeup, and they APPARENTLY are able to make it to the grocery store.

How is that a disability????

There are some clothing styles that should not even EXIST in a size XL or larger.

Let me help you...I will list them

1. ANYTHING containing "Lycra" or "Spandex". FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING UNHOLY....PLEASE spare my delicate retinas with that shit!

2. Anything that crisscrosses in the front OR back and ties in the middle. Holy hell....you aren't hiding ANYTHING by making the "waistline" out of a thin piece of string tied somewhere between rolls one and twelve.

3. NO SEQUINS OR GLITTER! Jesus jumped up f***...I feel like staring in on a chorus of "Saturday night fever" when I see A round shape sparkling under a strobe light.

4. Thongs. enough said.

5. ok ladies...the tattoo that is located just above your ass crack...you know the one...it is refered to as a "tramp stamp". I have to tell you that on your fat ass...it is a "hog banner".....and it isn't going to help in any way shape or form.

6. mini skirts....ESPECIALLY ones made of lightweight material....now listen to me....I don't want to see that...I MEAN IT! When your legs are so fat that the shape from your hips to your feet resembles the shape of an hourglass.....we don't wanna see it. How do your knees even hold together under that kind of pressure? You are also allowing the scent to escape...if you know what I mean.

7. cordouroy. OMG...are you trying to start a fire???? swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.....ugh...like fingernails on a chalkboard (I am changing that saying to "like cordouroy on a fat girl)

8. fishnets. yeah, I know..this one is easy.....SOMEONE CUT HER LOOSE AND THROW HER BACK ALREADY!

9. anything patterned with checkerboard, florals, and stripes....please I don't want to have a picnic, walk through a VAST meadow OR sleep in a tent....ok?

10. spaghetti straps. OK you can't even call them that when they are more like "fat floss"....let me explain....the strap disappears in gthe shoulder fat...UGH...gross.

The sad thing here folks, is that most of these women were in their twenties. How much have they shortened their lives...and how many excuses do we need to make for our irresponsible lifestyles??? You are NOT disabled...you are fat....and disgusting, sloppy, smelly and repulsive.

Yeah, I know..."Oh how mean".

WRONG! If you eat yourself into oblivion, it was your choice...and I will say what I like...just like the fat chick can tell me to eat more because I am too skinny.

Get up off of your fat ass and MOVE! Then try eating less in one day than the Dallas Cowboy football team....maybe then you can breath without sounding like every breath is your last.

We need to stop coddling everyone's damn self esteem...and say it like it is.

We are lazy, fat, and irresponsible.

There are NOT that many "thyroid disorders".

sorry...not buying it.

eat less....move your ass....and the LAST thing you need is a license plate that allows you to park CLOSER to the damn grocery store...if it were up to me, you would have to walk from home.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The "In Memory of....." stickers that cover the rear windshield.

Are you serious?

What the hell is "in memory of"? THE CAR???? um....ridiculous...sorry but a 1989 Ford Bronco is not a fitting memorial. It probably would have been cheaper to bury them in the car than to buy that idiotic sticker. Be serious people...do you need to let the entire world know that someone you love died? Hey, it happens to all of us....and you know what else I noticed?

These stickers always show the birth and death date...and they are always young...usually in their 20s. OK. THAT is the definition of ATTENTION WHORE!!!!

First of all, I DO NOT feel bad for you...I feel bad because a kid is dead....and his/her lasting mark is on your stupid car.

Second of all, if you feel the need to have your car be a mobile mourning place....buy a damn Hearse.

Thirdly....are you trying to depress people? These damn things read like a headstone...RIP...loving brother blah blah....

Why do people dwell in death with ABSOLUTELY no purpose in it? I can see keeping a memory..and sharing it because it can change someone's life....but a damn sticker that reads like a headstone?????

Get a grip.
What can I say?
I am so damn angry
angry at today
scared by tomorrow
Why does this have to happen?
Why YOU?
I wonder why the god
that belongs to all others
doesn't step in
and bring one to his side
by sparing you.

But then why would he?
if he even is
he would listen to me?
I doubt it.
So anger stirs for the hopeful
resentment for those who will not know
and those who blindly say..PRAY.
I would rather cry
and be angry.
That is real.
You are real.
and nature has struck again
with pain and suffering.
If I could make it stop
I would.

But all I can offer is a tear
a sob, and rage.
what good will that do.
none.
so I swallow them whole,
smile.
and wait.

for you.
to say it will be ok
or goodbye.
either way, I know you.
the pleasure is mine,
and the gift eternal
as are you.